This section is a collection of articles on the internet that are freely available, but that I have grouped here for your convenience. I have not written them myself, because I’m not trying to re-invent the wheel. There is a treasure trove of information on narcissism, manipulation and toxic dynamics out there. Be sure to also check out YouTube channels, TikTok-channels and Instagram or other media you resonate with.

My work comes in when you come out on the other end of this rabbit hole: the part where you are fully informed, aware of what has happened to you, how they seem to be wired and have found validation of your experience. My work comes in when you decide that you don’t want to feel powerless anymore, when you realize you have been one player in this devastating game and have confirmed for yourself you are no longer going to be part of it. My work comes in when you have seen the mask slip and consciously know the best thing for you to do is to cut contact, but are struggling to stay the course. My work comes in when you are looking for healing, rewiring your brain and empowerment to draw the line in the sand and wholeheartedly choose YOU. When you choose you, not just for you, but also for those who matter most to you and who rely on you: children, family, friends, and even pets. Choosing you means you can be a role model. Choosing you means you can provide them the safety, care and protection they deserve. You see: choosing you is nowhere near selfish. Choosing you is building capacity and resilience to make the world a better place. Your world, their world, the world at large.

If you’re new to all this lingo and have no idea what you just went through, this is where you start. Feel free to click on the original links (provided underneath every article) and click through until your head is about to explode. This is - after all - your rabbit hole. Go, Alice, explore and gather knowledge. Take the time you need. Days, weeks, months. It’s all good. Just remember one thing: knowledge is power, but ONLY if you put it into action.

And if you need help with that part: book a call!

Blame-shifting

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Individuals with Cluster-B disorders regularly use blame-shifting to manipulate conflicts, because admitting fault is not an option to them (unless it's a false apology used to lure you back in).

So what are some of the most common blame-shifting techniques?

1. Playing Victim

This is one of the most common ones. You might ask your partner to stop criticizing or ridiculing you. Since that situation paints you as a victim, they are quick to turn the tables (because they always need to be the biggest victim). So instead of addressing your legitimate concerns, they bring up (or make up) something completely unrelated from the past where they claim you hurt them. Before you know it, you're the one apologizing to them.

2. Minimizing Your Feelings

If they hurt your feelings, you might calmly express that to them and ask them to stop. They will then laugh at, dismiss, or ridicule your feelings. "You're too sensitive. You're crazy. You're hysterical. You have no sense of humor. Calm down!" The blame is no longer on them for misbehaving, but instead on you for reacting to their misbehavior. Ironically if you ever criticize a narcissist the way they regularly criticize you, they flip out. So it's pretty bizarre when they blame you for having thin skin.

3. Arguing About the Argument

Every argument becomes a meta-discussion about the argument itself, rather than the point you're actually trying to make. They pull you into pointless fights, mincing words and debating semantics in order to put you on the defense. Instead of discussing your legitimate concerns, they comment on your tone and accuse you of doing things they're doing (playing the victim, gas-lighting, projecting). The blame is no longer on them, but instead the way you approached the argument.

4. Guilt Tripping & Pity Stories

If you're prone to feeling sympathetic for others, chances are they'll go for this one a lot. If you point out something hurtful they've done, they will start talking about their abusive childhood or an evil ex. Before you know it, you're comforting them, even though they hurt your feelings. After all, how can you be mad at someone when they open up to you about something so traumatic? (Psst: That's the point).

Everyone goes through trials and tribulations. But healthy individuals don't use those experiences as excuses to harm others, and they certainly don't bring up those pity stories to conveniently avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.

5. The Stink Bomb

This is the last resort, usually when they've been blatantly caught or called out for something they know they did wrong. (Remember, shame is an unacceptable sensation to people with Cluster-B disorders). And so they throw a completely unfounded, terrible accusation at you.

You thought you had a slam-dunk case. Proof. Evidence. Everything. And then they come back with this:

·         Well, you abused me.

·         You hit me

·         You raped me

·         You cheated on me

·         You never loved me

·         You're mentally ill

·         You're stalking me

Suddenly your slam dunk case isn't such a slam dunk anymore. Now you're defending yourself against wild accusations that you never could have even dreamed of. Who could prepare for that?

And once again, that's the whole point. The blame is now off of them, and now you're the one in hot water.

What Can You Do?

When someone blame-shifts like this, there is an (understandable) temptation to explain yourself, defend your name, and prove your point. But the problem is, this is exactly what they want you to do. They blame-shift so you'll react. They often accuse you of doing things that they themselves are doing, because it's so infuriating that you just have to say something. But again, that's the point.

By sucking you into these arguments, they are consuming your energy and watching you progressively self-destruct, so they can use your reactions to prove their own points. ("Wow, look how bitter and angry you are!")

The term JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. When it comes to Cluster-B disorders, don't do those things. You will feel compelled to, but don't. When you try to defend yourself against a false accusation, you legitimize it by even acknowledging it. The only way to respond to these tactics is to stand up and walk away.

Odds are, you are an overly reasonable person who is always trying to see things from everyone else's perspective. You constantly worry that you're being unfair ("Oh no, what if I actually am this terrible thing they're accusing me of"), which makes you a prime target to people like this. Because unfortunately in all your worry and self-doubt about being unfair, you fail to see actually unfair situations.

Link:

5 Types of Narcissistic Blame Shifting | Narcissist, Sociopath, and Psychopath Abuse Recovery (psychopathfree.com)

Cognitive Dissonance

In this article, I will go into cognitive dissonance in a relationship as a result of narcissistic abuse. Sadly, when dealing with a narcissist truth can become blurry and an unhealthy state of being confused/anxious can become the truth for the victim of a narcissist.

Cognitive dissonance is quite common in life and we use it to develop our beliefs and make decisions. It’s a feeling of discomfort resulting from having beliefs or values that don’t match with your behaviour. People like to remove this discomfort by changing beliefs or their actions. A simple example would be rationalizing or explaining away eating chocolate when you also feel like you shouldn’t eat it because it’s unhealthy.

When cognitive dissonance follows from interaction with a narcissist it’s a very different story. A narcissist loves to (ab)use the wish of the victim to remove the discomfort following from cognitive dissonance. If you experience narcissistic abuse you could disconnect from your own thoughts, feelings, intuition, and truth.

A narcissist can act normally while showing abnormal/disturbing behaviour and respond abnormally when you show normal behaviour (such as setting a boundary). This ongoing discrepancy creates anxiety and confusion. Clearly, these manipulations are very brutal and unhealthy.

This article is closely related to my article about gaslighting which is a very stealthy way of trying to make you insane and question your perception of truth. It’s an example of behaviour that specifically aims to make you insane and confused. Other manipulative behaviours of narcissists can have the same effect but seem more focused on devaluing you. Devaluation is a part of the narcissistic abuse cycle, which I explain in this article.

First, I will go into the theory of cognitive dissonance and then explore the truth of a narcissist and how their manipulative behaviour and truth perception can result in experiencing cognitive dissonance. I will discuss defense mechanisms victims can use to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance and explore how the mind can sabotage or postpone the decision to go no contact. Lastly, I will discuss how to possibly deal with it.

This article is a long read as I think cognitive dissonance is an important aspect in order to understand narcissistic abuse. I hope it will be helpful to you.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance In Short?

‘Cognitive’ has to do with the mind (mental processes such as thinking, knowing, remembering, judging and problem-solving) and ‘dissonance’ is about a lack of harmony or inconsistency between things. Wikipedia (2020) states that ‘in the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, or participates in an action that goes against one of these three, and experiences psychological stress because of that‘.

Cognitive dissonance thus occurs when actions and beliefs are not consistent with each other according to your own mind. This inconsistency results in discomfort and mostly a person will try to fix this inconsistency in some way.

Naturally, a person doesn’t like the discomfort of conflicting thoughts and therefore has a motivation to fix the inconsistency. This can be done in two basic ways. On the one hand, the belief could be adjusted to make it consistent with the action and on the other hand, the action could be avoided to avoid the discomfort to occur.

In general, cognitive dissonance is acceptable when the discomfort is acceptable for living. It doesn’t necessarily interfere with functioning and it’s normal to sometimes experience it to some degree. It’s how you make decisions, learn and develop your beliefs and wisdom.

A simple example of reducing cognitive dissonance is the following where the belief is eating apple pie is unhealthy and the action is eating apple pie.

Ways to reduce the discomfort:
1. Changing the behaviour (I will stop eating this apple pie)
2. Justifying the behavior by changing the conflicting belief (I’m allowed to eat one piece of pie every two weeks)
3. Justify the behavior by adding other (compensating) behaviours (I will go exercise today to burn the calories)
4. Ignore or deny conflicting information with the belief (This pie is not that bad as it contains apples and fruit is healthy. And it doesn’t even have whipped cream on it!)

To conclude in simple terms: cognitive dissonance is the discomfort and anxiety someone experiences when internally dealing with two conflicting ideas at the same time.

Manipulative Behaviour Of A Narcissist Causing Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a logical consequence when having a relationship or interaction with a narcissist. A narcissist switches between idealization and devaluing/discarding and these stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle aren’t consistent with each other. A narcissist’s created identity is not consistent with their manipulative behaviour.

The victim has the belief they are in love and they have a real connection. The belief is that this person is a good person. These beliefs don’t match all the stealthy or brutal behaviour such as gaslighting, blaming, raging, unpredictability and silent treatments. The result is anxiety and discomfort because of cognitive dissonance.

Examples Of Narcissistic Behavior Causing Cognitive Dissonance

A narcissist can show many different kinds of manipulative behaviour and these behaviours can create a lot of doubts and confusion to a victim. I will go into a few types of behaviour that really play with the truth and a victim’s sense of reality. Some behaviour is more aggressive such as blaming and raging whereas other behaviour can be very stealthy such as gaslighting.

Endless monologues without a clue
A narcissist can tell endless monologues with some disturbing or strange statements within them and make sure there is no space to interfere. It feels you can’t respond to what has been said earlier and you need time to process and decode what they are saying. You could be left tired and wondering what this person exactly said or meant. It’s hard to remember and it aims to create a blur and chaos.

Mirroring
A narcissist has the skill to mirror any situation or conversation. They can turn anything around on you. You suddenly become the one to blame and you start doubting yourself. A narcissist will not take any accountability or responsibility and thus needs to project it back onto you.

When you start to believe their mirroring or turning things around your mind is trying to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance. How could a person that loves me lie to me in this way? Is this person right about me after all?

Gaslighting
This is a brutal form of manipulation in order to make you doubt your own thoughts and perception of reality. It will make you slowly disconnect from yourself. It’s ongoing manipulation and brainwashing to cause the victim to have ever-increasing self-doubts and eventually have them lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.

Some examples of what could be repeatedly said are:
– ‘You are just crazy, that never happened!‘
– ‘Are you sure about that? Your memory isn’t always that great.‘
– ‘It’s all in your head. It’s like you’re making things up randomly!‘

The narcissist will lie with certainty, deny and demand proof in arguments, use tricks to confuse you and more. I wrote an in-depth article about gaslighting if you want to read more about this behaviour.

Devaluing behaviour
There is a variety of devaluing behavior a narcissist can show. This could be guilt-blaming, raging or using the silent treatment. I wrote an article about the silent treatment that could be useful if you experience(d) this. All these devaluing actions create cognitive dissonance because it doesn’t match with the idealization and love-bombing of a narcissist. The conflicting thought is ‘how can someone that loves you act in this way and hurt you like this?’

Outside pressure
In my article about the web of control of a narcissist, I explain how a narcissist creates a web of people under their control and uses manipulation strategies to do so. Narcissists can seem very kind and good people. They can be loved in a community and your family could even talk about how great they are or how lucky you are to have them. It fuels the cognitive dissonance as your belief is not equal to the belief of others. You could feel outside pressure to make the relationship or marriage work.

The above examples show how a lot of manipulative behaviour can create cognitive dissonance. I will go into the narcissist’s mind first before going deeper into cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships.

The Truth For A Narcissist

I will try to explore the mind of a narcissist. It follows from my own experience combined with my research on narcissism. I’m aware there is a large variety of types of narcissists and this is a generalized attempt mainly to explain why it’s logical victims start doubting themselves and their truth. It’s not a rational or conscious choice to be abused and you can’t blame a victim for being manipulated into staying.

Everyone has their own truth resulting from their own thoughts and beliefs. What a person fully believes can become the truth for them. A narcissist seems to fully believe in their truth. The truth to them is their created identity of being superior. Their ego has gotten control over their soul. The narcissist could believe their identity created by ego is an authentic soul. It means there is emptiness or hidden pain beneath it all but it will never be reached.

It seems like the dynamic of the narcissistic mind revolves around the following:

1. Unending Needs

Having an unending need for validation, appreciation, and ego-boosting. This need grows continuously when being fulfilled and therefore the needs will never be fulfilled as a whole. It’s like trying to fill a bottle with water but the bottle doesn’t have a bottom.

2. Feeling No Empathy

Feeling no empathy results in a form of emptiness. They can’t imagine how something could feel because they don’t know. They also can’t choose to feel or emphasize and thus only could learn it theoretically.

3. Narcissistic Supply

They choose their actions consciously or unconsciously to get narcissistic supply, which follows from their unending needs. This supply feeds their ego and confirms their view of the world.

4. Positive Vicious Circle Of Confirmation And Ego-Boosting

A narcissist only takes responsibility for good things and doesn’t take responsibility for bad things (but blames others for these). They essentially have a mind that doesn’t question themselves but seeks outside reasons for bad things. If you never take responsibility or apologize you will not learn to grow spiritually. Their self-worth can only increase by taking responsibility for merely the good things and by doing this they keep confirming their superiority. In a way, they create a positive vicious circle of confirmation and ego-boosting.

5. No True Self-Reflection

The blind spot of a narcissist seems to be the lack of critical self-reflection and this creates certainty. They don’t have to doubt themselves. It doesn’t matter whether the blind spot follows from earlier unbearable pain or emptiness or whether it’s intentional or unconscious. It seems they have no control over this blind spot.

6. A Narcissist Embraces Who They Are

Narcissist can be aware of being narcissistic or having a narcissistic reputation. When a narcissist knows this about themselves it doesn’t really change anything because mostly they don’t want to change. They embrace who they are and their narcissistic reputation. A narcissist doesn’t care about your feelings and can’t compare to their own feelings.  Why would you care if you don’t have shame, a sense of responsibility for others’ feelings and when you’re not slowed down by guilt?

Unfair Advantage

The result of this narcissistic mind is thus a created identity that is very certain and confident. It has an unhealthy belief in own superiority and truth. This creates an unfair advantage when their truth conflicts with the truth of a victim who obviously doesn’t have this same amount of certainty but has self-doubts and a critical inner voice.

A narcissist (ab)uses this unfair advantage consciously and/or unconsciously. Their behaviour demands that the victim also has certainty of their truth. A victim needs to acknowledge the relationship is unhealthy in order to be able to leave. This requires a strong trust in own truth and intuition.

Cognitive Dissonance In Abusive Relationships

We explored how the mind can work to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance and for example rationalize things away. We also explored why truth can become blurry because of the dynamic of narcissists having full certainty about their truth and healthy human beings having doubts. Now, I will go deeper into how the mind of a victim of narcissistic abuse can respond to the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.

I’ll use an example with fictional names to explore this. Maria (victim) tries to confront Paul (narcissist) about seeing sexual messages from him to another woman. The belief of Maria is that Paul is a good man and the action is him cheating on her.

She can choose several ways to respond to this situation:
1.    Maria instantly changes her view of Paul and realizes/knows he is not who she thought. She will end the relationship. In her belief someone that loves her can’t do something like that and therefore she needs to end the relationship. This response shows clear boundaries and certainty in what she saw.
2.    Maria still believes Paul is a good man and he didn’t mean to do this. He must be sorry, it was a one-time thing and they will work on it together. Paul convinces her it didn’t mean anything and it’s not important.
3.    Maria blames herself for not being good enough and understands Paul had to seek love somewhere else. She will try to improve herself in order to keep Paul happy. He won’t do it again if she will take better care of him in the future.
4.    Maria chooses to believe Paul’s attempts to convince her it’s simply not true what she saw (gaslighting). She misunderstood the texts or imagined it. Paul says she does that more often because of her jealousy.
5.    Maria denies to herself she saw the messages and doesn’t bring it up to Paul. It just can’t be true and she must be mistaken. Paul will be mad or use silent treatment and she doesn’t want to disturb the good thing they have right now.

The above example shows that a situation can play out in many ways and there could be more possibilities than the above. There are many ways to rationalize or change beliefs or ideas. In this example, only the first reaction will not lead to cognitive dissonance whereas the other responses are ways to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.

What happens will be very dependent on the level of narcissistic abuse in the relationship. Paul could have been devaluing and gaslighting Maria for a long time, which could result in reactions 3, 4 or 5.

The disturbing thing is a lot of victims can’t believe their loved one is a narcissist showing brutal and twisted manipulative behaviour. The tendency will be to find other solutions to reduce the discomfort following from cognitive dissonance. If you can’t believe the truth about narcissistic abuse you will be stuck in changing other beliefs or the truth.

Maria could, for example, have the following defense mechanisms if she decides to stay with Paul:
1.    Maria could accept Paul is a narcissist but also believe he is still a good man as well. She will separate the narcissistic part from the good behaviour (the loving Paul). In that way, she can accept staying in the relationship.
2.    Maria could accept she will not find love with a deeper connection and settles for Paul. He does provide income and she convinces herself she has some freedom. It’s sacrificing freedom and the possibility of having real love that could be caused by fear or low self-worth.
3.    Maria believes in all relationships there will be lows and this is just the tough part. A lot of relationships have trouble and a lot of people have cheated on their partner. She convinces herself this is the same and convinces herself Paul is really sorry even though he might not even say it himself.

A victim of a narcissist could thus live with an incredible amount of discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance. When you are an outsider to the victim you can observe the mind of the victim arguing a lot away. It’s a form of survival and a requirement for the victim to keep functioning. Mostly this functioning will be on a minimal level.

My Experience

Experiencing a narcissistic father and unhealthy family dynamics for years I became very disconnected from my own feelings and body in my youth. It’s hard to describe the energy at the house when my father was around. It was very uncomfortable, tense and a bit frightening. It’s an experience close to walking on eggshells, being anxious, a continuous feeling you can’t be yourself and a feeling you want to hide, run and be invisible.

My narcissistic father shows a great discrepancy between his words and his actions. He can be kind and charming and seems a great and confident man to the outside world. In the last years, he kept developing his stealthy manipulative games and reduced his more ‘obvious’ devaluing behaviours. He knew he had to adjust his game to keep my mother under his control and he did this successfully.

During the years and still today, I listened to and observed my mother’s thoughts, feelings, confusion and she manages to convince herself she has some reason to stay. Sadly, she hasn’t managed to break the cycle. There seems too much fear or bond to make the final decision. It leaves her in an unhealthy state of unending anxiety and confusion.

Writing this is very personal to me and I would like to go into my mother’s defense mechanisms even though it feels somewhat uncomfortable. Know these are my observations and thus subjective. My motivation to share is that it might help others in seeing how the mind of a victim can work.

Examples of my mother’s defense mechanisms or reasons to stay:

·         Lifestyle: She lives in her dream house with a large garden and beautiful nature around the house. It seems she doesn’t want to sacrifice their current (luxury) lifestyle and become poor or dependent on others for help. Sometimes she feels like she earned this lifestyle after all the narcissistic abuse even though she knows the dream is empty in an empty marriage.

·         Dark scenario: She is scared she won’t find a job and will need the help of others financially. She doesn’t want to live in a small flat without a garden. Even when she is offered help she doesn’t want to accept the help.

·         Convincing herself: She convinces herself she has some power or control in the relationship and a form of freedom to do what she wants. Also, she convinced herself from time to time it could be her path to change or help him. At the same time, she recognizes she can’t change him.

·         Denial: She separates the narcissist from the good man he also can be. He helps people at his work and can be friendly to her. She would prefer not knowing and denying the dark side. It’s almost like she regrets she knows there is another family he supports and manipulates.

·         Shame: She blames herself for not leaving a long time ago. She thought staying was best for the children and didn’t have the strength at that time to make the decision to leave. It feels like she made a commitment by staying at that time and she doesn’t want to waste the commitment.
She sometimes hopes he does something to make her decision easier or possibly make the decision for her. ‘Why doesn’t he just leave me and go live with this other woman and family? I don’t understand what he wants.‘

·         Emotional connection or trauma bond: There is an emotional connection. She recognizes the abuse but the trauma bonding could be perceived as a form of love. She has empathy for my father’s tough youth and his childhood wounds and might think he still tries.
They have been together for a long time and marrying is a commitment. My father still shows kindness and reduced his more obvious manipulative behaviours which makes her say ‘it’s not that bad and other marriages have problems as well’.

·         Passiveness: She always has some excuse to wait for a better time to leave. This could be the financial situation or when she has even more definitive proof. It seems an endless postponing of breaking up and fooling yourself into thinking you will do it eventually.

All mechanisms and reasons seem to be helpful to cope with the situation. The decision is not to leave him and thus the mind creates ways to reduce the discomfort. She emphasizes all the fears and risks of leaving. She needs all these thoughts and defense mechanisms to survive in her decision to stay.

Defense Mechanisms

We can summarize the above examples into a couple of general defense mechanisms victims can use to survive their abusive relationship and stay in the situation.

1. Rationalization

Your intuition tells something is wrong but the toxic behaviour is rationalized. This person loves you, doesn’t mean it this way or doesn’t purposely want to hurt you. The victim decides to stay and see it through to the bitter end.

2. Denial

It’s too painful to recognize and acknowledge the truth of this person you love abusing you. Your mind will deny it with force. It can be a defense mechanism in order to cope with the painful truth someone (un)consciously knows within.

The victim knows it’s not right or the situation is unhealthy but could deny this to and convince themselves that the abuser cares and loves them. There can be a lot of shame involved in not wanting to acknowledge the truth.

3. Justification

The victim tries to justify and explain to themselves why they need to stay in the relationship and why that’s okay. The victim tries to convince themselves that staying is the best choice for now. It might be that the victim thinks they should help the narcissist, they made a commitment or they sympathize with the suffering of the narcissist in childhood.

In abusive relationships, the victim is motivated to make the relationship work. This is why they might justify the behaviour or make abusive behaviour smaller. A victim could choose to believe the abuse is an exception because it doesn’t match the person they fell in love with during the idealization phase.

4. Helplessness

The victim could push away responsibility for themselves, become helpless and fully dependent on the abuser. This is a form of survival, where the victim instinctively bonds with a powerful force in a frightening world. The abuser could be protected and defended by the victim when people try to rescue or encourage the victim to leave their abuser. It might result in a trauma bond (Stockholm Syndrome) with the abuser. There could be underlying fear for what the abuser might do.

Impact On Self-Worth

All the above mechanisms seem lies to comfort yourself and reduce the pain and discomfort as a result of cognitive dissonance. It’s the commitment to the decision of staying that requires you to convince yourself although you will still know the truth within. It’s protection.

Clearly, this unhealthy situation has a lot of impact on your mind and self-worth. There will probably be a lot of self-doubts as there is no clarity anymore between right and wrong. Your sense of reality could be impacted and you might not trust your own intuition anymore.

The commitment to the mind of the abuser means there is no room for your own needs and emotions. The relationship revolves around pleasing the narcissist and you will disconnect from yourself and possibly disconnect from your support system by withdrawing from those you love and isolating yourself.

The (Early) Decision To Stay With An Abuser

Our beliefs and values change over time by growing up, learning and having experiences. Cognitive dissonance is about decision making. You can choose to decide to change behaviour, change your belief or choose to keep the discomfort. In a relationship, we could rationalize the negative characteristics of the others to make it consistent with our vision and expectations of how a relationship should be.

In a marriage, you could make efforts to make things work. You might support your spouse with rooting for a sports team you don’t really care about. This could be little sacrifices and you’re rewarded because the spouse will appreciate it.

It’s a different thing when you have to compromise your values or give things up such as a job you love. You need to decide how large the gap is between the behavior and the belief and whether it’s long term or not. It’s not about whether someone is a narcissist or not but it’s really about behaviour and whether the relationship is unhealthy or not.

The victim mostly knows they should get out of the unhealthy abusive situation, but this puts them in (psychological) danger, uncertainty and stress as well. Staying or leaving both results in emotional stress and the decision could be made based on what seems the path of the least resistance. After deciding, their mind and motivation will work to justify their decision.

A risk could be that leaving is a decision with more uncertainty and thus seems more stressful. It requires a lot of courage and strength to make the decision to leave. Mostly these decisions follow from self-confidence but when being abused by a narcissist this has been affected as well. It’s a trap that makes it extremely difficult to break the cycle.

Why The Empath Is More Vulnerable To Cognitive Dissonance

Empaths have strong empathic feelings and this can result in more anxiety. Empaths care a lot for the feelings of others and they sometimes feel it themselves. It means an empath is very tuned into the emotions of others. The emotions and ‘feelings’ of a narcissist are disturbed. There is a lot of intensity and it switches from idealizing to devaluing and from hot to cold, which results in a lot of emotions to process for an empath.

A narcissist can keep an empath on edge and the empath will walk on eggshells. The feelings will be very unsettling and it creates a lot of anxiety. The subconscious or intuition will know the truth. The soul will know this person feels in a different way because the deeper connection won’t really be there. You can read more about the empath narcissist relationship and dynamics in my article about the highly toxic attraction between empaths and narcissists.

Dealing With Cognitive Dissonance: How To Counterbalance The Effects

Luckily, there are ways to counterbalance the effects of a narcissist’s manipulative behavior. This can be done when you’re still dealing with a narcissist or already in a no-contact situation. It’s necessary to shift the attention from the narcissist to yourself again.

Clearly, the best time to work on yourself is when you are in a no-contact situation. Going no contact is the only healthy solution. In this article, we learned this decision can be difficult or seem impossible to make due to the mind trying to reduce the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.

The mental effect of a narcissist can still be very present for quite some time after going no contact. It can be a challenge to shift the (mental) attention to yourself again as you could have grown into a dynamic of disconnecting with your own needs and feelings and mostly having attention for the narcissist.

Validation and confirmation of the reality in your circumstances are needed to reduce cognitive dissonance. You can get this validation and confirmation from yourself or from others.

1. Knowledge About Narcissism

The recovery of a narcissistic abusive relationship is a long and painful road. It’s psychological abuse and the impact of cognitive dissonance is severe. It results in confusion and anxiety trying to match the truth of the loving person and the manipulating narcissist. It’s hard to understand and accept.

The truth about a narcissist needs to be embraced. Getting knowledge about narcissism can help you in accepting you can’t change this person. You will not get an apology, explanation and they will not take any responsibility. You can’t heal them, only yourself.

2. Going No Contact

The only real solution to stop the abuse is to go no contact. Only this way you can start recovering and really become yourself again. You need to protect your energy and life. If you can’t go no contact (right away) I would advise reading my article about the grey rock method in order to start emotionally detaching from the narcissist.

3. Conscious Breathing And Meditation

These methods are great for gathering thoughts and acknowledging your thoughts and feelings. It can help you with emotionally detaching from the narcissist as well. You can read more about mindfulness in my article about conscious breathing, my article exploring mindfulness and narcissistic abuse or my article with 5 tips in Buddhist meditation.

4. Create A Kind And Compassionate Environment

It would be great if you can surround yourself with kind, sincere and compassionate people that love you and respect you. In healthy relationships, people will respect your boundaries.

5. Learn To Trust Yourself And Your Intuition

You need to seek clarity again. It’s necessary to redefine how a relationship or marriage should be and that narcissistic abuse is disturbing and brutal. Redefine what’s right and wrong and recognize the situation was unhealthy.

6. Write Things Down And Go To Psychotherapy

It can help to narrate your story in a psychotherapy session and by writing journals and documenting your story. It’s an important part of starting the road of healing and recovering. This acknowledgment is necessary to work on further growth. You need to be empowered to narrate your story as all manipulative behaviors can have had a great impact on your mind. Another useful therapy could be EMDR.

7. Work On Self-Worth

It’s time to work on yourself and reclaim control over your life and your self-worth. In my article about self-worth, appreciation, ego, and narcissism I share some tips on how to work on your self-worth.

You Are Worth It

I’m aware this is quite a list on how to deal with cognitive dissonance and this was a long article. Thank you for taking the time to read it and I sincerely hope it can be helpful. I’m sorry if you experience(d) narcissistic abuse and I wish you more kindness in the future.

It’s essential to connect with yourself again. Know this is an important process and it can require a lot of time. Allow yourself this time. You could have been abused for a long period of time and this clearly has consequences on your thought patterns and emotions. Try to be compassionate to yourself when healing. You will restore your energy and find yourself again. It’s worth it and you are worth it!

Link:

What is cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships? How truth becomes blurry because of narcissistic abuse (dealwithnarcissist.com)

Covert/Overt Narcissism

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines narcissism as love for one’s own body. This personality disorder has two faces: the overt or arrogant narcissist and the covert or shy narcissist. PsycholoGenie does a breakdown of overt vs. covert narcissism for a deeper understanding of people with either personalities.

Did You Know?

The term “Narcissism” was first used by German psychologist and criminologist Paul Näcke in his studies.

Even though Paul Näcke used the term for the first time, it was first introduced to the psychoanalysis field by Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud in his essay On Narcissism. However, the term itself is said to have originated from a Greek myth of Narcissus―thus, the name.

The Myth of Narcissus

Though there are several versions of the myth, all of them end with Narcissus committing suicide. Let us take the classic version of it as used by Roman poet, Ovid. In his magnum opus Metamorphoses, he narrates the story of a youth and how he fell in love with his own reflection.

As the version goes, Echo, a talkative mountain nymph, was cursed by Hera, Zeus’s wife, for distracting her and letting Zeus get away. Due to the curse, Echo could not speak unless someone spoke to her. Even then, she could repeat only the last word of what that person had said. One day, she saw Narcissus and fell in love with him. She followed him through the mountains. When angry Narcissus demanded to know who she was, she revealed her identity to him. However, he rejected her advances. Heartbroken, she vanished into mountains, following which only her voice was left behind.

The goddess of revenge Nemesis, Aphrodite in some versions and the goddess of love, decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a large water body in which he could see his reflection. When Narcissus saw his reflection, he fell in love with it without realizing it is his own reflection. He sat there for hours and hours staring at it. He could not consummate his love and died in frustration.

Even in today’s times, there exist people who truly love themselves. They may not sit staring at their reflection in the mirror (sometimes they do!), but their overall behavior may indicate that they put themselves before others. Some are easy to spot; with their attention-seeking, self-revolving, and decisive personality, they stand out. However, some keep their self-loving traits well hidden. These quivering, shy, and self-doubting creatures put self before others as well.

American psychiatrist James F. Masterson proposed two types of pathological narcissism, i.e., exhibitionist and closet. They are also referred to as overt and covert narcissism. The word ‘overt’ means something that is easily seen, something that is not hidden. On the other hand, the word ‘covert’ means something that is not easy to notice, something that’s secret or hidden. The names itself suggest the personalities that overt and covert narcissists have. Let us find out more about them.

Overt Narcissism

► Overt narcissists are easier to spot in a crowd. Such types of personalities are exhibitionists, demand attention, and easily get offended due to any real or imaginary criticism.

► Overt narcissism revolves around grandiosity. This type of personality seems self-sufficient and believes that they are entitled to achieve outstanding success. Such people demand everything on a grander scale. They also have intense ambitions regarding anything.

► This personality type may have shallow relationships. The main reasons for it is that they always imagine their self to be better than others. Though they put up a show of humility, they lack empathy for others. They are not able to genuinely participate in a group.

► A positive characteristic of overt narcissists is that they are hardworking. However, most of the time, the hard work done is only to seek appreciation. Overt narcissists are usually socially charming. However, they can be seen preoccupied with one’s appearances.

► This type of personality puts up a great show, having no respect for money. However, it is not always the case that they disdain wealth. They might exaggerate modesty. They have great interest in socio-political events. These people are very peculiar and have uneven morals.

► Overt narcissists are very knowledgeable. However, they look for shortcuts to acquire their knowledge. In addition to that, they are very decisive and have their own opinions. They articulate their opinions each time they get a chance. They are considered to have a very egocentric perception of reality.

Covert Narcissism

► Though covert or stealth narcissists are called shy, their personalities are similar to overt narcissists. However, they lack confidence manufactured by grandiose as a self-concept.

► Instead, they are filled with self-doubts and shame. Though they are hungry for power and glory, they do not go ahead to achieve them as they are shy. They are sensitive to criticism.

► They suffer from continuous envy of other people’s possessions, talent, relations, etc. This deep-set jealousy and the feeling of unworthiness leads to distrust in other people.

► They suffer from chronic aimlessness, and therefore, boredom. Covert narcissist’s get bored easily in anything that they do. This leads to their superficial interests in several things. They are considered to have an amateurish attitude towards everything. This results in their imitative aesthetic taste.

► This type of personality suffers from chronic pathological lying. The root of all such lies hides in their shyness, their self-doubting nature, and their urge to hide themselves from others’ prying eyes. Even if they do not show, they love a materialistic lifestyle. They sometimes show delinquent tendencies.

► Unlike overt narcissists, a covert narcissist’s knowledge is limited as he/she often forgets little details. This person is known to change the language and through that, their reality when their self-esteem is under threat. Their reality is regulated to suit their self-esteem.This is a frequently asked question?

Read more:

Overt Vs. Covert Narcissism: A Quick Comparison - Psychologenie

Devaluation

Idealization and Devaluation: Why Narcissists Flip

Idealization and devaluation.

I understand everything now.

They are two sides of the same coin, neither truth nor lie. They are only the distorted reflections of your sickness.

It feels like a grenade just went off. The shrapnel falls, scattering. All the clues flood into the right cracks all at once, but too quickly for me to absorb each in isolation.

I begged you for answers so many times. But how could I have expected you to give them to me when you did not understand any point of view other than your own?

You could not find the disconnect between our perspectives anymore than I could, so how could you provide any answers other than the ones you had already given me–the ones that hadn’t made any sense to me?

I am humbled by how differently two people can see the world, how a fraction of a shift in worldview can create realities so vastly different it is almost as if one of them dreamed the other up.

Which one of us was the dreamer?

Idealization as Narcissistic Self-Hate

The narcissistic cycle of abuse comprises three stages:  idealization, devaluation, and discard. During the idealization stage, narcissists love bomb their partners, bombarding them with an overwhelming amount of attention and flattery, and dramatic, quickly-occurring declarations of love. [Read How the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse Keeps Us from Leaving]

Narcissists put their partners on a pedestal, but their own hidden needs at that stage are more significant than what their partners can ultimately fill. 

Author and self-described narcissist H.G. Tudor writes:

“It has been amazing so far, hasn’t it? I told you I would love you like nobody else ever has, and I delivered.

“Okay, I was actually loving your praise, love, admiration, and adoration of me, but to you, it felt like I loved you in a way which went beyond anything you had ever experienced before. That certainly kept you happy. You told me every day how happy you were…

“You told me every day just how much you loved me. You cared for me, looked after me, and helped me in so many ways…

“Of course, it was not all one way. I gave you everything I could. I only did it, though, to get your fuel. I give to receive. I do not know any other way.

“You sometimes told me about your love for me being without condition. I didn’t understand what you meant. No, that is wrong. I understood what you meant, but I struggled to imagine doing this.

“I love you with so many conditions, the chief one being that I only actually love you for the fuel that you give me. Not for who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this and even longer to accept that this is the case…

“You gave me absolutely everything. Your heart, your soul, and you poured every essence of your being into the concept of us. I know you did this because I could see you doing it. I had to because I needed that in order to sustain me.

“The more you gave, the more brilliant I became, so you gave even more in return. It was an upwards spiral. Two people working in magnificent harmony. You because you believed in us. Me because I needed your fuel. Not that you ever realised this. Why would you?

“I became the perfect partner, complimenting you, praising you, and loving you in that oh so spectacular way. It was intense, it was scintillating, and I made sure I became everything that you would want from a relationship.

“It was a great deal for us both. I made you feel ultra-special. You gave me the ultra fuel that I need. Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not. You still got what you wanted, didn’t you?”

Idealized Then Devalued

You created such an elaborate world for me. 

Do you remember this?

This idealized place where you made me “the one.”

Where you had only ever kissed girls who were your girlfriends, who numbered on the one hand, where almost all of them had cheated on you.

Where various other edges were flattened or blurred to fit the narrative you wanted me to have.

Where when I gave you a tiny piece of my heart, you just held onto it patiently until I gave you another one… and then one day, you were holding all of it.

You created that reality for me, but those moments were real ones. This, I know now.

You always insisted… insisted… insisted over first months and then years, “I never lied to you about my love for you.”

I was so confused about all those tears you cried to everyone about how I was the love of your life and what that gesture of wearing the bracelet I gave you on your wedding day could have meant. It used to drive me crazy trying to figure out how or why you would do these things and then hurt me in the ways that you did.

In one of the very last conversations we had, I begged you for closure. I begged you to tell me you never loved me before we stopped talking because I wanted to hear the truth from you. I wanted your words and your actions to align for once finally.

And what was your response? “I love you, and I always will. There’s your closure.”

I was infuriated, finding it the most selfish response you could have given me. Nothing about that response or your actions at that time said “love.”

But that’s because I wasn’t thinking like you.

I know you don’t even know that you loved me only because I loved you so much.

How could you know? This is what love feels like to you, and you know no other way. You didn’t love me in this way to hurt me, and if you could love me for myself, maybe you would have. But you can’t.

What you really love is the way I loved you– the way I mainlined your love like it was heroin and then poured myself all over you.

And here’s the worst part–you were hoping I would be the one who would never let you down, who could love you every moment of every day, no matter what you did, for the rest of your life, while feeling deep in your heart that that would never be the case.

And then it happened… I did let you down.

It was the self-fulfilling prophecy that I understand, but you won’t.

When I found out about the others, my despair at what you had done felt like criticism to you, a lack of gratitude for all you had given me.

When I withdrew my trust, to you, that made me selfish and self-absorbed.

But most importantly, when I tried to encourage you to go about things the legitimate way and earn my trust back, that request threatened to blow apart the entire world you had built for us. It challenged the fragile perception that the man you had created for me was beautiful and perfect.

To you, everything you did after that was just insurance against being rejected and alone as I continued my inevitable downfall in your eyes from my position as your favored one.

Once I had seen that the reality wasn’t real, there was no going back, and you knew it. To me, it was all just an inexplicable pattern of behavior by someone who claimed to love me that was damaging what we had together.

But you didn’t value what we had together, or me. You wanted only my admiration back, that pure, unfiltered worship.

Devaluation as the Narcissist’s Self-Hate

During the idealization stage, the partners fall deeply in love with the narcissist and form a bond that is difficult to break. Narcissists, however, may idealize their partners, but they do not form an attachment. [Read Can a Narcissist Love? It’s Complicated]

When the idealization stage is over, the relationship begins to deteriorate during the devaluation stage when the partner starts to disappoint the narcissist in inexplicable ways. The “real world” penetrates the fantasy, and the partner begins to turn to other interests.  The chemical “high” caused by the initial stage of falling in love begins to fade. 

The narcissist’s mask begins to fall away as he or she loses the feeling of being “special” and adored. They begin to treat their partners the way they feel about themselves on the inside.

Idealization and devaluation are two sides of the same coin. They are both projections of the narcissist’s self-hate.

They idealize to receive your love and negate their self-hatred. When that doesn’t work for them, they devalue to project that self-hatred onto you, so they don’t have to own it.

It’s a trick mirror.

Seeing the Idealization and Devaluation Distortion

The answers were right in front of my face the entire time. We were looking right past each other.

I dreamed that you were just like me, and you dreamed that I could live in a cage, without thoughts or plans that contained anything but you. 

The difference was, you sold me my dream while stealing my soul with your lies, keeping from me the truth that would show me the dream was only an illusion.

I’d see love on your face, and you’d tell me you love me. “Why don’t you believe me?” you’d scream, as my heart would peel away in strips with each new betrayal. Your lies would force me to confront the false reality you created.

He’s not who I thought he was, I would think.  And you’d see the pain on my face, and I’d tell you I was dying. “Why did you hurt me like this?” I’d scream, as your heart would harden to ash with each fresh tear.

And you’d be forced to confront the false reality you created too, run away from the shame of your actions with the back-flip: She’s not who I thought she was, you would think.

Of course, I’m not. I’m a human being. I came from my own world, and I have my own reality.

You would go to your death insisting you loved me. And believing it too. This, I know. You said one day I would know how much you loved me, and you were right.

You loved me in a dream once, where no one ever cries.

Link:

Idealization and Devaluation: Why Narcissists Flip | Fairy Tale Shadows

Enabling

Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens

There is nearly always someone enabling the narcissist. Being fundamentally dependent on others for the self-assurance and definition they lack, narcissists don’t get very far without enablers. An enabler supports the narcissist’s insistence on control, inflated persona, exaggerated entitlement, and abusive behavior by

• unquestionably accepting his/her version of reality,

• not standing up to his/her abuse,

• hiding or cleaning up his/her messes,

• acting as an apologist for him/her, and

• blaming others for his/her behavior.

The Enabler’s Delusions

Narcissists usually have enablers in their family, such as a partner, parent, child, and/or sibling. They may also have enabling friends, coworkers or employees, and other members of their social network. People become enablers of narcissists for different reasons, from misguided care-taking, to self-doubt, to fear, to a desire for power. Often they become enablers gradually without understanding their situation. A narcissist’s partner in particular may feel confused by that partner’s brainwashing messages, believing some or all of the following:

1.      I am causing her/him to act this way.

2.      I am the unfair/angry/cruel one.

3.      If I weren’t so stupid/selfish/needy/unattractive s/he would love me.

4.      S/he doesn’t really mean to hurt me/the kids.

5.      Deep down s/he loves me/us but doesn’t know how to show it.

6.      All relationships are difficult like this.

7.      Things will get better when we get married/have kids.

8.      If I change, s/he will be happy with me.

9.      If I am more loving/lovable s/he will stop acting so angry.

10. If our children act/do better, s/he will be happy with us.

Oftentimes enablers see abusive dynamics in a relationship as normal because they grew up with demanding, selfish, neglectful, or abusive caregivers. Enablers of narcissists may come from narcissistic homes or other environments in which they learned to subjugate their needs and feelings, such as in service to an alcoholic or mentally ill parent.

Enablers may delude themselves into thinking that they alone can understand and fulfill their difficult but special partner. They may see their partner as somehow a great catch and believe they need to do extra work to keep him/her. Perhaps their partner feels a bit out of their league—more intelligent, good looking, charming, educated, wealthy, or successful than they are and therefore worth the high maintenance they need to do. Similarly, a narcissist’s favored and enmeshed child may be under the delusion that s/he is the only one who can manage that parent’s happiness. Such children often construct their identity around the demands of the parent, constantly working to please and appease.

No Way Out

Frequently, enabling partners of narcissists stay in their relationships even when they realize they are being abused because they don’t see a way out. Their abusive mate is likely to have undermined their independence and support network by

• eroding their self-confidence,

• burdening them with excessive responsibilities and problems,

• isolating them from family and friends,

• draining their finances,

• alienating them from their children, and

• threatening to leave them with nothing.

The Enabling Covert Narcissist

In some cases an enabler may be a covert narcissist impressed with the apparent confidence or success of a more overt narcissist. Such an enabler may admire the other narcissist and feed his/her self-esteem and identity by living vicariously through that partner. Or the more covert narcissist may derive satisfaction and social attention and approval from managing the overt narcissist’s difficult and selfish personality. In such a relationship the narcissistic enabler may present him- or herself as the long-suffering good, kind, loyal, patient victim who deserves better but below the surface is just as self-centered and exploitive as his or her counterpart. In a sense the overt narcissist enables the covert partner through positive or negative association. As parents, both narcissistic partners enable each other by overlooking and/or supporting their negligent and abusive behavior toward their children.

Trauma Bonding

Typically a narcissist manipulates an enabler through alternating abuse and special treatment. The enabler falls into a pattern of avoiding attack while also seeking rewards such as affection, praise, sex, or money. In this dynamic the enabler experiences trauma bonding with the abusive narcissist, becoming emotionally and physically addicted to the roller-coaster of positive and negative reinforcement.

Enablers Versus Flying Monkeys 

“Flying monkeys” are enablers who also perpetrate the narcissist’s abuse on targeted victims. Like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, they assist in the narcissist’s dirty work and carry out abuse by proxy. Often children or other relatives in the narcissistic family, flying monkeys may be narcissistic themselves. There is a fine line between enabling and acting as a flying monkey. Often enablers cross that line to avoid being targeted themselves or because they are invested in believing the lies that justify the narcissist’s abuse of others, particularly scapegoated children. For such children, the betrayal of the enabling parent may be harder to accept and forgive than that of the narcissist because the enabler is the “safe” parent who should know better.

Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens - (narcissistfamilyfiles.com)

Flying Monkeys

The term ‘flying monkeys’ is another way of saying ‘abuse by proxy’ or having someone else do the bidding of in this case a narcissist. The term flying monkey was coined after the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz that were under the spell of the Wicked Witch of the East, to do her bidding against Dorothy and her friends.

This common narcissistic tactic uses friends and family of the victim to spy on them, spread gossip while painting the narcissist as the victim and their target as the perpetrator. Flying monkeys can be your friends, family, coworkers or the narcissist’s friends, family, or coworkers before you got there. To maintain the illusion of the power they have over you, the narcissist will employ the use of third parties, through which they will attempt to continue control and manipulate you.

Narcissists begin grooming your friends and family from the moment they meet them. In the beginning, the narcissist is testing them and your relationship with them to see how strong the bond is.

At first, they may tell your friends and family ‘how much they love you and how they think you are soul mates’. This test will be to see if your friends go running back to you with this information.

This is sweet and loving on the surface but behind the scenes, the mind of the narcissist is testing your friends to see if they are controllable.

Over time the messages they are feeding your friends and family may start to contain a little nugget of truth, only now the narcissist is poking fun at you behind your back. They may highlight something like “Tracy is such a good storyteller, I never know when she is making something up.”

What this test does is plant the seed for later when you start to tell your friends stories about the narcissists lies, cheating and behaviors. The seed of doubt has now been planted and your own friends and family will not believe the things you say about the narcissist when they go from good to bad. Mission accomplished.

The last stage of this flying monkey stage is after the discard. This is when you are needing your friends and family most, but because of this connection your narcissist has developed with your friends and family the narcissist quickly runs to them spreading lies about you. Whatever the narcissist did wrong they will accuse you of. Next, the narcissist will spread lies and target the best things about you. This mixture of little hurtful lies wounds us most deeply because they challenge our most protected characteristics.

The narcissist’s mask of ‘playing victim’ is going to be believed by your friends. The narcissist has hand targeted the weakest links in your friend pool – those that are most easily controlled.

The smear campaign can be also spread by these flying monkeys, which further isolates you and prevents you from getting the support you need.
Let’s be clear a flying monkey can also be used to broadcast to you how much the narcissist loves you and wants to work it out. They are carrier pigeons doing the biding of the narcissist to get to you. This tactic brings your friends into the manipulation to hoover you back or at least display the pretense that they really wanted it to work out. Now you look like the bad guy/girl.

Your friends and family that have been targeted and used by the narcissist are also being conned. The method a narcissist uses to hook you in the beginning is the same they use on your friends to recruit them to be flying monkeys. While other friends may go to the dark side and may never be someone you want in your life again. Still, others may be worth saving after the pixie dust wears off. A healthy friend would come to you with the concerns your narcissist is talking about you, they would ask you to verify the lies they heard and trust and believe you when you explain.

Having your new vocabulary and knowing about flying monkeys does not mean you go running to your friends and family accusing them of being one. That will backfire in many ways. Watch them from a far to determine if they are safe and will not be relaying things back to the narcissist. They will need to earn your trust back one trustworthy action at a time. It will be your job to make sure the information you are sharing is not getting back to the narcissist so make sure your friends are safe before sharing too much with them.

With no loyalty for anyone, the narcissist easily discards the flying monkeys when they have done the damage intended. There are two general types of flying monkeys – ‘complicit and willing’ (conspirator) and ‘well-meaning dupes’ (deluded). Remember you were once under the spell of this narcissist and the flying monkeys often are as well. Use extreme caution when approaching a flying monkey, never give any information that they could feedback to the narcissist, it may be better to unfriend or block them on social media rather than allow them to give spy intel to the narcissist.

Link:

What are Flying Monkeys? - Narcissist Abuse Support

Future faking

KEY POINTS

·         In future faking, a narcissist courts a partner with a detailed but unlikely vision of a future together.

·         In some cases, narcissists don't intentionally fool partners. They may just move too fast without thinking about how they might disappoint.

·         Narcissists may also use future faking as a substitute for real conversation.

·         Most normal relationships follow a fairly predictable pattern. If the couple’s religious views do not forbid it, the couple dates, has sex, meets each other’s friends, moves in together, and gradually gets to know each other’s family. Over time, they either become more serious about the relationship and get engaged or they decide that they are not well suited and break up. There are variations on this basic pattern, but generally, most people do not make serious plans for a future together until they both feel fully committed to the relationship. This usually takes a year or two.

·         However, people with narcissistic personality disorder do not do a normal courtship. They are so focused on winning you over that they speed everything up and increase the intensity. It is a bit like dating on adrenaline. Everything that a normal couple does in the course of a year, they do after a few dates. Narcissists rarely stop to assess whether the two of you are really a good match. Instead, they use a variety of strategies in an attempt to get you to fall in love and commit to them before they have fully committed to you—even though they are telling you that you are the love of their life and their perfect mate. It is only after you are fully committed that they actually decide whether you are what they really want. This in itself is really bad, but it gets worse.

·         One of the cruelest courtship strategies that some narcissists use to reel in a new lover involves making elaborate and detailed plans with you for a future life together. Most people have heard about “narcissistic love bombing,” showering someone with over-the-top compliments and gifts, but not everyone is aware of “future faking.”

·         Note: I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand ways to refer to someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

·         What is future faking?

·         Future faking is a courtship strategy in which narcissists talk to you in elaborate detail about all the wonderful things that the two of you will do together in the future—the cute little restaurant you will absolutely love, how the two of you will explore the most romantic cities in the world, or even how many children the two of you will have and what to name them. All the while, they sound very enthusiastic and sincere.

·         What makes it future faking, and not just planning a future, is that none of this is likely to ever happen. Instead of being on the road to bliss, you are now on the road to disappointment. What usually occurs is that shortly after narcissists believe that you are fully committed and in love with them, everything starts to change. Now that the chase is over, the good times diminish.

·         Narcissists are not very good at sustaining a normal relationship. During courtship, they created positive relationship drama. Now they start creating negative relationship drama. Instead of praising you, they start pointing out your flaws. You will feel a sudden coldness and indifference to your feelings. If you stay, you are likely to be devalued, ignored, or discarded. Future faking is cruel because it is exactly what it sounds like, a big fake. What initially brought you great happiness is likely to end up as a series of traumatic disappointments.

·         What does future faking look like?

·         Imagine you are ready for a serious relationship and you meet this very appealing person on a first date. Everything moves fast. By your second or third date, this new person seems wildly in love with you. He or she praises everything about you. Your new lover has already decided that the two of you are the perfect couple and to your surprise, starts planning a future with you.

·         You may be a bit hesitant. After all, you barely know this person. You are thinking: “Isn’t this too soon to make this type of commitment?" But, on the other hand, it is nice to finally be in the company of someone who seems to really like you.

·         This is all done so convincingly that you to start to buy into the vision and begin to imagine a possible future together—a future with no more bad dates and no more wondering whether your date really likes you as much as you like him or her. So, you decide to go with the flow and see what happens next. You do not want to risk missing out on true love by being too skeptical.

·         Now this person whom you hardly know starts describing the great times the two of you will have this summer. Your lover describes in vivid detail all the amazing things the two of you will do together—the romantic walks along the beach, the trips you will take, and even relatives and close friends that he or she wants you to meet. You get caught up in it and invite this person to be your plus one at a family wedding in two months’ time and your new lover immediately agrees. You breathe a sigh of relief and think: “They must be serious. Why would they agree to go to a family wedding, if they weren’t in love with me?”

·         Here is an example of how future faking might sound:

·         You have never been to Paris in the fall? I can’t wait to show you around. I know Paris like the back of my hand. It is the most romantic of cities! I have an idea. Let’s make the trip longer and end up in Rome. There is nothing more beautiful and atmospheric than the Tivoli Fountain lit up at night.

·         How common is narcissistic future faking?

·         Not all people with NPD start planning an entire life together after a first date, but it is very common. How common? Well, I hear about it frequently from my clients who are dating, especially those clients who are meeting people through dating apps. It is common enough for people to talk about it online and for lots of non-narcissistic people to be wondering about how wary they need to be when their new lover starts to plan a future together.

·         What is wrong with future faking?

·         Even when people with NPD are not consciously trying to fool their new lover, most of the time this type of premature planning ends badly. Narcissists jump into the deep end too fast. Narcissists are often quite impulsive and uncritically go with their current emotion without thinking it through.

·         In addition, because narcissists are incredibly self-centered and lack emotional empathy, they are not worrying about the possibility of raising unrealistic expectations and then disappointing you. The reality is that as soon as they get bored or start to discover your normal human failings, that will be the end of the relationship. Narcissists who future fake will renege on every promise they made you—including being your date for your cousin’s wedding.

·         Why do narcissists engage in future faking?

·         The line between sincerity and insincerity is nearly invisible for people with NPD. In the moment that they are enthusiastically planning a future with you, they might actually feel sincere. However, they are not factoring in that they should wait before sharing their fantasies about a rosy future with you. They feel free to change their mind at any moment. When their infatuation wears off and they lose interest in fulfilling the future plans, they can easily rationalize the change in their thinking. Here are some of the things narcissists tell me about these situations:

·         I meant it when I said it. It just didn’t work out between us. Why blame me?

·         He is not who I thought he was. He fooled me. I don’t owe him anything.

·         She should have realized that I was just trying to be entertaining.

·         It was fun while it lasted.

·         Sometimes narcissists use future faking intentionally as a seduction technique. This is particularly cruel because they know from the beginning that the glowing picture that they are painting is totally fake. They have no intention of actually doing any of the wonderful things that they have promised to do with you. They are simply exploiting your desire for a loving, long-term relationship and saying anything that they think will achieve their aims.

·         Another reason for future-faking is that many people with NPD are poor conversationalists. They tend to develop a set of stories or strategies that they believe show them in a good light and use the same ones with almost everyone. Elaborate future faking can be a substitute for real conversation and a way to avoid actually showing real interest in the other person.

·         Summary

·         Future faking is a courtship strategy that involves painting a glowing detailed picture of the wonderful future that the two of you will have together that is actually unlikely to happen. Narcissists use future faking to enjoy themselves, entertain someone they are interested in for the moment, and as a way to get sex and validation. Even when they start out believing their own hype, the other person is likely to end up hurt and disappointed.

Link:

How Narcissists Use Faking to Lure Partners | Psychology Today

Gaslighting

Narcissist Gaslighting with Examples: How to Identify this type of Narcissistic Abuse and what to Do About It

1 January 2022 by Carla Corelli

If you’ve ever been in a relationship of any type with a narcissist, you may be familiar with the term “gaslighting.” This is a tactic that narcissists use to make the people around them doubt their own sanity. It can be very effective in erasing your memory of events and can make you feel like you are always the one who is wrong.

In this blog post, I will explore the origins of the word and discuss what narcissist gaslighting is. I will also discuss some examples of gaslighting so that you can better identify it if it happens to you.

The Origins of the Word

Gaslighting originated from a play called Gas Light, which was first performed in 1938. The plot of the play revolves around a man who tries to make his wife believe that she is going crazy by manipulating her environment and dimming the gas lights in their home.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that causes the victim to doubt their own sanity.

It can involve subtle tactics, such as constant criticism, or more extreme measures, such as denying the victim’s experiences or reality.

Narcissists us gaslighting is to make their victim feel like they are going crazy and can’t trust their own mind.

How to Spot Gaslighting

There are a few key signs that you might be experiencing gaslighting.

If you notice that a friend, partner or co-worker is constantly making you feel disoriented, or if they are always trying to control your every move, then there is a good chance that you’re being gaslighted.

Other red flags for narcissist gaslighting include:

– Feeling like you can’t do anything right

– Having your feelings and experiences minimized or dismissed

– Frequent mood swings

If you are experiencing any of these signs, it’s important to reach out for help. There are a number of resources available to victims of narcissistic abuse, including support groups and therapy.

Narcissist Gaslighting Examples

A typical gaslighting tactic is when the narcissist tells you that something didn’t happen, even though you know it did. They may say “I never said that” or “You’re making things up.” This can make you feel like you are going crazy and that your memories are not reliable.

Another approach the narcissist might take is to make you feel like you are always the one who is at fault. The narcissist may say things like “You’re being too sensitive” or “I can’t help it if you misinterpreted what I said.” This will make you feel like you are responsible for the problems in the relationship and that the narcissist is not actually doing anything wrong. Of course, this is far from being the truth.

Practical examples of narcissist gaslighting

Example 1 – Sam and his wife Olivia are at a party. Olivia is flirting with his co-workers and he is worried that she had too much to drink. Her behaviour is over the top and she is clearly enjoying the attention. On the way home, in the car, he tells her that he had felt uncomfortable, particularly when she was monopolizing his boss’ attention.

Olivia is furious. She accuses Sam of being possessive and jealous. “You should be proud that your wife is admired!” she shrieks. Sam is taken aback at her reaction and wonders if she is right. The following morning he apologizes for his comments and promises Olivia never to comment about her behaviour at parties again.

Example 2 – Sandy works all weekend on a report her boss needs on Monday morning. She emails it to him and arrives early at the office on Monday so as to have time to make any changes he might request. Her boss breezes into the office an hour late, and she immediately asks him if he found the report useful. He answers that he had not seen it yet because the presentation had been postponed to Wednesday, claiming that he had told her about the change in deadline on Friday. Sandy sits at her desk, confused. She could have sworn that he had not told her – could she have misunderstood him? She convinces herself that she must have misheard, sighs, and gets back to work.

What to Do About Gaslighting

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the most important thing you can do is to get away from them. This may not be easy, as narcissists can be very manipulative and often have a lot of control over their victims. However, it is crucial to your mental health to break free from the relationship.

If you are unable to leave the relationship, there are still things you can do to protect yourself. You can establish boundaries and limits, and make sure that you have a support system in place. It is also important to be aware of the tactics narcissists use so that you can identify them when they occur.

If you are able to leave the relationship, it is important to take care of yourself during and after the breakup. You may need to seek counselling or therapy to help you rebuild your self-esteem and recover from the abuse. There are also a number of online support groups available for victims of narcissistic abuse. Here are some tips on how to deal with a narcissist at work, in your friend group or in your family.

Link:

Narcissist Gaslighting - meaning and examples (carlacorelli.com)

Golden child / Scapegoat

Golden Child and Scapegoat

When it comes to the narcissistic mother’s eyes, there is no better kid than the Golden Child, who, as the name says, is the most magnificent and greatest of all. In the Golden Child, the narcissistic mother seems to be choosing someone who will serve as an extension of herself, upon whom she would project all of her own imagined wonderfulness.

The Golden Child is incapable of making a mistake. She is lavished with gifts and favors, and she may even have flats or homes purchased just for her. Her most little accomplishments are lauded and held up as examples for others to emulate. Her misdemeanors are brushed off and not taken into consideration.

The Scapegoat, on the other hand, is the individual who, as the term implies, is blamed for all of the family’s woes and is hence referred to as the “scapegoat.” They are completely powerless. Their most significant accomplishments are disregarded. Any money spent on them is the absolute minimum, and it is done so minimally and reluctantly.

During his or her childhood, the Scapegoat may have been naturally envious of the Golden Child. There will always be conflict amongst the children, which is perfect for the narcissistic mother’s purposes. Divide and conquer, and there will be plenty of possibilities for triangulation, as well. Indeed, the narcissistic mother might encourage the Golden Child to bully the Scapegoat, either publicly or indirectly, which only serves to exacerbate the conflict between the two.

The Scapegoat might be penalized for doing something good since doing so undermines the narcissist’s narrative that the Scapegoat is a nasty guy in every way imaginable. However, the Scapegoat will not be publicly punished since doing so would undermine the narrative that everything is the Scapegoat’s fault. However, in a subtle and sneaky manner. You were forced to give up dancing just as you were about to achieve a significant life milestone because of [insert fabricated reason here] – perhaps they claimed they couldn’t afford dance classes any longer, or that getting to dance classes was no longer possible, or that they had a falling out with the dance instructor. The Golden Child could be included as one of the reasons for sabotaging dancing courses, which earns additional points: “Golden Child wants to do dance too, and we can’t afford both, and it’s not fair for you to be the only one.” (It doesn’t matter if Golden Child does things that you find objectionable.) Alternatively, “We are unable to bring you to dancing class any longer since Golden Child has decided to take up karate and her courses are scheduled at that time.”

Alternatively, the penalty might be more subtle. Perhaps your dog was taken away, apparently for a completely unrelated cause, after you were awarded the dancing gold at the competition. It is only after a few of similar events occur that you will begin to see the pattern that terrible things happen when you achieve something good, and you will begin to deliberately destroy your own triumphs in order to protect yourself from this. (As an aside, be aware that such sabotage tendencies will persist for the rest of one’s life until and until they are intentionally eliminated. 

In other words, the punishment might be as shocking and subtle as your parents' response to you. Oh, they’ll say exactly what you want them to say. Your perception of their disapproval will be aided by their emotions and their coldness, which will reveal that they are enraged by this success (again, since it disrupts their carefully created narrative), and you will pick up on this and feel the chilly blast of their disdain.

In the same manner, you can find yourself rewarded in an unexpected way if you fail. Getting approbation for not living up to their standards is something you will notice, and even a little amount of praise feels nice at this point in your life.

The Identified Patient is often used as a scapegoat in medical malpractice cases. This is the one upon whom all of the family’s misfortunes are projected, and it is frequently this person who will act out those evils.

In a world where people have been mistreated, demeaned, and treated unjustly their whole lives, it’s not unexpected that they develop difficulties such as eating disorders or addiction problems or anger management issues or depression. As a result, the narrative that you’re the incorrect one, the wicked one, the Black Sheep is reinforced.

You even think it yourself, that you are the problem kid, the rotten apple of the apple tree! After all, you do have an eating problem or whatever it is that you are suffering from. That is unassailable.

They may refer you to counseling in an attempt to help you get well.

There will be one of two things that occurs there. Or, alternatively, you’ll find yourself in the company of an incompetent therapist who will accept the story as it is delivered, thus reinforcing your feeling of personal inadequacy and failure. Alternatively, you’ll have an excellent therapist who sees through the falsehoods and seeks to fix the true broken dynamic rather than the apparently damaged you and your relationship. In this situation, as soon as your parents suspect that anything is wrong with them, they will invent an excuse (which will very likely be your fault) and take you away from that therapy, and that aborted therapy will be yet another failure on your part to get you into treatment.

The scapegoat is genuinely caught in a no-win scenario in this case. In most situations, the abuse is subtle enough that it does not need the assistance of social services, and as a result, the victim has little choice but to suffer it until maturity.

I’d go so far as to say that, if you’re reading this, you were more than likely the Scapegoat rather than the Golden Child in your family’s history.

This is due to the fact that, contrary to what it may have seemed like growing up, the Scapegoat is really the fortunate one. (Of course, I’m referring about being pretty fortunate.) It is impossible to define a narcissistic mother’s kid as fortunate at any point in time.)

The Golden Child may find herself completely enveloped by the narcissistic mother, and her life may become intertwined with that of the narcissistic mother as a result. She may possibly develop without the right limits and self-identification that she need. This means that she is likely to stay, either permanently or for a lengthy period of time, as a puppet of the narcissistic mother. And when, and if she ever manages to break free, the process will be immensely more traumatic for her than it is for the Scapegoat.

The Scapegoat, on the other hand, is a self-sufficient individual. She is the one who is pushed to seek solutions and who may or may not be aware of the existence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). She is the only one who has the ability to break away from the dysfunctional dynamics of her family and do all in her power to live a healthy life and recover from the falsehoods she has been taught about herself since she was born. Of course, it’s still difficult for her (and hence for you). There is nothing simple about this path. However, it is achievable and practical.

Summary

In the narcissistic mother’s eyes, there is no better kid to raise than the Golden Child. The Scapegoat is the child who is blamed for all of the family’s woes and is hence referred to as the “scapegoat”. Their most significant accomplishments are disregarded. The Narcissist sabotages the Scapegoat in a subtle and sneaky manner. The punishment might be as shocking and subtle as your parents' response to you.

The Identified Patient is often used as a scapegoat in medical malpractice cases. This is the one upon whom all of the family’s misfortunes are projected. The scapegoat is caught in a no-win scenario in this case. They may be referred to an incompetent therapist or an excellent therapist. The Golden Child may find herself completely enveloped by the narcissistic mother. The Scapegoat, on the other hand, is a self-sufficient individual who has the ability to break away from her family’s dysfunctional dynamics and recover from the falsehoods she’s been taught about herself.

Link:

Golden child, Scapegoat Explained | NPD | Narcissism (bookofnarcissism.com)

Greyrock

What Is the Grey Rock Method?

By Tracy Smith, LPC, NCC, ACS

Updated on February 21, 2021

A narcissist is a person who shows a disproportionate interest in themselves. They have a strong desire to be admired by others, strive for attention, and have difficulty enduring criticism or setbacks. Narcissists tend to be grandiose, suspicious, and cynical. They are commonly conceited, scheming, and controlling of others. Being related to, working for, or being in a relationship with a narcissist is an extremely challenging predicament. Terminating contact, distancing, and getting out of a relationship with a narcissist is always ideal, but is not always a practical option. When contact with a narcissist cannot be terminated, the grey rock method can be a valid alternative to manage relations.

The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored. The grey rock method takes away what the narcissist needs and desires most–attention.

In order to implement the grey rock method, a person needs to minimize conversations and verbal exchanges as much as they can. While interactions should always be avoided when possible, it is important to refrain from ignoring a narcissist. Instead, an individual should reply with minimal and short responses to limit further conversation. Conversations should center on monotonous or boring topics and a person should attempt to provide one word answers without elaboration or opinion. If a narcissist attempts to bait, a person can utilize nonverbal responses such as nodding and smiling to avoid further engagement.

How Do I Use the Grey Rock Method?

Disengage

The first rule is to disengage yourself. You gain the upper hand by recognizing that when someone says hurtful or inflammatory things about you—it’s to control you and get a reaction. When using the grey rock method, rather than become defensive, you would simply become nonreactive. Keep your face neutral, your tone bland, and your responses vague. By avoiding eye contact and giving noncommittal responses like “meh” or “mm-hmm,” you become an incredibly boring target. No matter what you actually feel, stay focused on preserving your peace and disengaging from damaging interactions.

Stay distracted

Another helpful technique when using the grey rock method is to remain distracted. You can try carrying a book, using your phone, or simply keeping your mind focused on your favorite person or pet. This not only helps create some emotional distance, but can also make it easier to weather the storm if the person escalates their attempts to engage you by saying cruel or hurtful things. It can be difficult not to defend yourself when you feel attacked, but ultimately, you’ll minimize the damage by not engaging. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored.

Keep it brief

Whenever you can, keep your interactions brief and limited. This means that you shouldn’t share too much about your life, and your responses should be short. You are protecting yourself by avoiding unhealthy behaviors. Use one-word answers and focus on boring mundane topics. Avoid revealing anything good or bad about your life. You should also avoid asking the other person about their life. In general, keep your opinions on matters to a minimum, use brief and nonverbal responses, be aloof and unengaged.

Don’t tell them what you’re doing

Never reveal to the person that you are using the grey rock method. The goal of grey rocking is to become an undesired target to the other person. If they know that you’re attempting to make yourself seem boring on purpose, they can use this information to further manipulate and control you.

A narcissist needs to surround themselves with individuals who fascinate them and who keep them entertained at all times. A narcissist needs to have complete control over others and will use manipulative tendencies to get what they want. They require those in their lives to shower them with attention, reverence, and admiration. The grey rock method is a technique that removes the fascination and entertainment from a narcissist’s life.

Risks of the grey rock method

When done well, grey rocking will create distance between you and the other person. This may be a painful experience. Furthermore, grey rocking requires you to suppress your needs for love, validation, and attention. Make sure you continue to have healthy outlets in your other relationships to fulfill these needs for you. You can always consult with a counselor or sign up with an online therapy service to get the guidance that only a professional can provide. They may become an invaluable resource for dealing with difficult relationships when grey rocking is not an ideal solution.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with relationships characterized by manipulation, gaslighting, and drama can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Using the grey rock method deprives emotionally abusive people of the drama they crave and alleviates you from unhealthy engagements. Cutting off toxic relationships is always ideal but using the grey rock method can preserve you from emotional harm when interactions are necessary.

Link:

What Is the Grey Rock Method? (e-counseling.com)

Grandiosity

Vulnerable Vs Grandiose Narcissism: Which Is More Harmful?

The DSM-5 defines narcissistic personality disorder as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity in fantasy or behavior, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following behavioral patterns:

1.   Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2.   Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3.   Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4.   Requires excessive admiration.

5.   Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

6.   Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

7.   Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8.   Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9.   Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Clinical narcissists display co-occurring or oscillating states of grandiosity and hypersensitivity. Accordingly, inventories used to determine pathological narcissism, like the Pathological Narcissism Inventory, encompass hypersensitivity/vulnerability measures alongside measures of grandiosity. In the Pathological Narcissism Inventory, grandiosity is measured by the patient’s responses on a 5-point scale to questions like “I often fantasize about being recognized for my accomplishments,” “I often fantasize about being rewarded for my efforts,” and “I want to amount to something in the eyes of the world,” whereas hypersensitivity/vulnerability is assessed by the patient’s responses on a five-point scale to questions like “It’s hard for me to feel good about myself unless I know other people like me,” “It’s hard to show others the weaknesses I feel inside,” and “I like to have friends who rely on me because it makes me feel important.” Because of the co-occurrence or oscillation of grandiosity and hypersensitivity in clinical narcissism, there are no officially recognized subtypes of clinical narcissism.

Clinical narcissism is rare. It only affects about one percent of the population, and this number appears to stay fairly constant. When a flashy headline exclaims that narcissism is on the rise, the term “narcissism” is used to refer to the more prevalent subclinical, or everyday variant of narcissism seen in the general population. Upward of ten percent of people in their twenties are believed to suffer from subclinical narcissism, severe enough to compromise their interpersonal relationships.

There are two subtypes of subclinical narcissism: grandiose narcissism, which is continuous with a narcissistic personality disorder, and vulnerable (or hypersensitive/covert) narcissism. Both subtypes have self-centeredness as a core feature, but the self-absorption is expressed differently in the two cases.

Grandiose narcissism is characterized by extraversion, low neuroticism and overt expressions of feelings of superiority and entitlement. Owing to their grandiosity, they believe that they are somehow above the rest of us, and that they, therefore, are entitled to special treatment. In their view, our job is to cater to their needs. They are true egomaniacs.

Vulnerable narcissism reflects introversive self-absorbedness, high neuroticism, hypersensitivity even to gentle criticism, and a constant need for reassurance. As Dr. Craig Malkin points out in Rethinking Narcissism, vulnerable narcissists “are just as convinced that they’re better than others as any other narcissist, but they fear criticism so viscerally that they shy away from, and even seem panicked by, people and attention” (p. 34).

Owing to the apparent lack of a common core between the subtypes of narcissism, most personality researchers regard grandiose and vulnerable narcissism as independent traits. However, the fact that the two traits are co-present or oscillate in narcissistic personality disorder, the clinical type, suggests that they do in fact have a common basis.

By controlling for differences in extraversion, psychologist Emanuel Jauk and his collaborators were able to show that grandiose and vulnerable narcissists share a common core of narcissistic traits, including contempt-proneness. But the distinct narcissistic styles of the two subtypes are not due merely to differential scores on extraversion. Because of their high neuroticism and hypersensitivity to criticism, vulnerable narcissists prone to overreact emotionally, always on the verge of bursting open with hatred.

Vulnerable narcissism is associated with dissociation of the self-image into an explicit, positive self-image and an implicit, negative self-image. The positive self-image is associated with excessive pride, whereas the negative self-image is associated with shame and humiliation. When receiving only positive feedback, the narcissist is able to keep the negative shame-filled self-image hidden below the level of conscious awareness. But when they experience external feedback as criticism, they are forced to confront their negative self-image and feel deeply ashamed.

Whereas the vulnerable narcissist is struggling with internally conflicting self-images, no hidden negative self-representation is threatening to make a dent in the grandiose narcissist’s positive self-image. Negative feedback, therefore, doesn’t have as profound an impact on the grandiose narcissist. But the deep shame this brings upon the vulnerable narcissist turns her into a combustible compound destined to explode in a frightening outburst of anger or all-consuming fit of hatred. This hostile reaction to insinuations of imperfection is also known as “narcissistic rage.”

References

Jauk E, Weigle E, Lehmann K, Benedek M, Neubauer A.C. (2017). “The Relationship between Grandiose and Vulnerable (Hypersensitive) Narcissism,” Front Psychol. 8:1600.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. New York: Harper Perennial.

Link:

Vulnerable Vs Grandiose Narcissism: Which Is More Harmful? | Psychology Today

Hoovering

The act of hoovering is named after the Hoover vacuum and its power to suck everything up. In this case, the narcissist is sucking you back into their lives. The timing of hoovering happens after a breakup, or discard, or a choice you make to leave the relationship.

The difficult part of hoovering is that like the manipulation of a narcissist it starts off slowly and will look well intended.

Imagine you have been with someone for years, and they reach out to make sure you are ok after the breakup. That feels good to know they still care, but this tactic is used to control you. That first innocent text, or checking in late at night, warm your heart to the possibility that this break up isn’t final yet. They have hooked you by planting a seed of hope.

A confusing hoovering trick my ex pulled was calling after our breakups and pretending nothing happened (we broke up five times). Had I known about gaslighting then, I would have recognized it for what it was. This denial of the break up left me with self-doubt and confusion and left me asking myself, “Am I going crazy? Have I just been imagining this pain from a breakup?”

Hoovering techniques are numerous, such as:

• Leaving notes or cards on your car declaring their undying love

• Sending you sweet texts, checking in on you, your child or animal

• Giving gifts like candy or other presents left on the doorstep; or send flowers to your workplace

• Inviting you to a quick meal, just to make sure you are ok

• Inviting you to a special event because suddenly they have an extra ticket

• Promising they will get help – losing you has caused them to self-reflect and they are changed now; they say ‘it will never happen again’

• Vowing that they love you and can’t live without you

• Being called to rescue them. For example, their car broke down, and can you please help them just this once? This tactic takes advantage of your compassion and empathy to hoover you back in

• Using your friends and family to get to you. They become flying monkeys

• Manufacturing a dramatic situation in order to get you to respond and agree to see them again.

As you can see, each one of these tactics has an aspect that makes the narcissist look like a good person, or, the person you wished you could see again.

If you have fallen for a hoover tactic its ok give yourself a break and try not to be too harsh with yourself. Just understand that the narcissist’s goal is NOT to get you back but to continue to control you and to keep you hooked into being an obedient supply.

The cure to not falling for these tactics is to build better boundaries. Narcissists do not like someone setting boundaries on them, so start as soon as you can. To learn more about setting better boundaries take a look at our workshop.

What’s Wrong With Me

Not every narcissist hoovers. It all depends on the circumstance at the end of the relationship. If they have moved on already, they have supply, so they don’t need to get you back.

Some hoovering might be to keep you on the hook as a secondary supply when the new main supply uncovers their secrets.
Although it can be painful at first, don’t be sad that you are not being hoovered around. You are being graced in order to start your healing faster.

Link:

What is Hoovering? - Narcissist Abuse Support

Hypervigilance

Narcissistic defensiveness: Hypervigilance and avoidance of worthlessness

Abstract

Clinical theories of narcissism postulate the paradoxical coexistence of explicit self-perceptions of grandiosity and covert fragility and worthlessness. To examine the operation and time course of the latter component at a very early stage of information processing, a sequential priming study was conducted. Consistent with predictions high narcissists appear to be hypervigilant for ego-threats; they initially activated worthlessness and then rapidly and automatically inhibited it. In contrast, low narcissists neither activated nor inhibited worthlessness after ego-threat. A second study showed that conscious suppression did not elicit parallel effects among narcissists, thus supporting the idea that the effects in the first study were the result of unconscious repression processes. Differences between intentional and automatic processes in self-regulation are discussed. The findings demonstrate the importance of worthlessness in narcissistic self-regulation and help clarify how narcissists protect and defend their grandiose self-views.

Narcissistic defensiveness: Hypervigilance and avoidance of worthlessness - ScienceDirect

What Is Hypervigilance?

Overview

Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness. If you’re in a state of hypervigilance, you’re extremely sensitive to your surroundings. It can make you feel like you’re alert to any hidden dangers, whether from other people or the environment. Often, though, these dangers are not real.

Hypervigilance can be a symptom of mental health conditions, including:

• post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• anxiety disorders

• schizophrenia

These can all cause your brain and your body to constantly be on high alert. Hypervigilance can have a negative effect on your life. It can affect how you interact with and view others, or it may encourage paranoia.

Hypervigilance symptoms

There are physical, behavioral, emotional, and mental symptoms that can go with hypervigilance:

Physical symptoms

Physical symptoms may resemble those of anxiety. These may include:

• sweating

• a fast heart rate

• fast, shallow breathing

Over time, this constant state of alertness can cause fatigue and exhaustion.

Behavioral symptoms

Behavioral symptoms include jumpy reflexes and fast, knee-jerk reactions to your environment. If you’re hypervigilant, you may overreact if you hear a loud bang or if you misunderstand a coworker’s statement as rude. These reactions may be violent or hostile in a perceived attempt to defend yourself.

Emotional symptoms

The emotional symptoms of hypervigilance can be severe. These can include:

• increased, severe anxiety

• fear

• panic

• worrying that can become persistent

You may fear judgment from others, or you may judge others extremely harshly. This may develop into black-and-white thinking in which you find things either absolutely right or absolutely wrong. You can also become emotionally withdrawn. You may experience mood swings or outbursts of emotion.

Mental symptoms

Mental symptoms of hypervigilance can include paranoia. This may be accompanied by rationalization to justify the hypervigilance. It can also be difficult for those who experience frequent hypervigilance, like those with PTSD, to sleep well.

Long-term symptoms

If you experience recurring hypervigilance, you may start to develop behaviors to calm your anxiety or counteract perceived threats. If you fear assault or danger, for example, you may start carrying a concealed weapon. If you have severe social anxiety, you may rely on day dreaming or non-participation in events. These symptoms can result in social isolation and damaged relationships.

Causes of hypervigilance

Hypervigilance can be caused by different mental health conditions:

Anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common causes of hypervigilance. If you have generalized anxiety disorder, you might be hypervigilant in new situations or environments that you’re unfamiliar with.

If you have social anxiety, you may be hypervigilant in the presence of others, especially new people or people you don’t trust.

PTSD

PTSD is another common a cause of hypervigilance. PTSD can cause you to be tense. You may constantly scan the area for perceived threats.

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia can also cause hypervigilance. Hypervigilance can worsen other symptoms of the condition, such as paranoia or hallucinations.

Common triggers

There are some common triggers that can cause or contribute to episodes of hypervigilance. These include:

• feeling trapped or claustrophobic

• feeling abandoned

• hearing loud noises (especially if they’re sudden or emotionally charged), which can include yelling, arguments, and sudden bangs

• anticipating pain, fear, or judgment

• feeling judged or unwelcome

• feeling physical pain

• feeling emotional distress

• being reminded of past traumas

• being around random, chaotic behaviors of others

Coping with hypervigilance

Through therapy, you may learn new ways to cope with episodes of hypervigilance and anxiety. Here are some strategies that can help:

• Be still and take slow, deep breaths.

• Search for objective evidence in a situation before reacting.

• Pause before reacting.

• Acknowledge fears or strong emotions, but don’t give in to them.

• Be mindful.

• Set boundaries with others and yourself.

Link:

Hypervigilance: Symptoms, Causes, and Treatment (healthline.com)

Idealization

The Idealization Phase Of The Narcissist

They will treat you like royalty.

The Idealization Phase.

This is the first part of the cycle of the narcissist’s manipulative plan to get you under their thumb. It is the phase before you are discarded and before you are hurt and abused. It is the phase you will cling unto when things begin to go downhill.

During this phase, they will do everything to sweep you off your feet. You may feel like this is everything you have ever wanted, like a fairy tale playing out in front of your eyes. The person in front of you will mold themselves to be your perfect fit, the match you’ve been searching for your entire life.

Here are some of the things that a narcissist will do during the idealization phase.

Claim you have everything in common.

You love music and he loves music. You both enjoy the same types of shows and have a similar family background. It’s almost as if the two of you were cut from the same cloth.

They spend most of the idealize phase listening to you and excitingly responding that they feel the same way. You will eventually come to think that they’re the only person you’ll ever meet who’s so similar to you.

They will ensure that every part of their personality is what you are looking for in a partner.

Start planning your future together.

Within two weeks my ex had told me that he loved me, that he had been waiting for me his whole life, and that I was going to be his future wife.

Within a month we talking about moving in together and I was basically living at his house. Marriage and children came up and he constantly talked about how much he wanted to have a child with me.

At the time it was the most romantic thing I had ever heard. Now I can look back and realize that not only was it nuts, but it was completely manipulative.

It was all an illusion to trap me. He needed someone to help financially with the rent and wanted to lock me down.

A normal relationship progresses at a normal speed as you get to know someone. If someone is proposing a month after meeting you, that is one hell of a red flag.

Praise everything about you.

No one has ever made you feel so beautiful, so wanted, or so loved. They will say how lucky they are to have met someone like you and they will claim that you are the most amazing human that has ever crossed their path.

In this phase, they will be idealizing you above everyone else in their life. They will tell you that you have all the qualities that they’ve been looking for. They may also compare you to past lovers or relationships saying that you are so much better.

There isn’t a human on this planet that is perfect. If someone thinks you are a gift from the heavens they are putting you on a pedestal that will be impossible to maintain.

Declare that you are their soulmate.

There is no comparison between you and their previous relationships. The Narcissist will declare that you are absolutely perfect.

They want you to believe that the two of you are meant to be together. That the fact you found each other is destiny and there is magic at work.

They will say that you complete them and you are everything they’ve been looking for. They will tell you that they’ve never felt this way before in any other relationship.

It’s all a fantasy…

It sounds perfect and it will feel perfect in the beginning but none if it’s real.

A healthy relationship doesn’t begin with declarations of love in the beginning. You cannot know someone that quickly and therefore it’s impossible to love them in the way that the Narcissist claims to love you.

If your gut is telling you that a relationship is moving too fast, or something isn’t right you have to listen to it.

If it seems too good to be true, it most likely is.

Link:

The Idealization Phase Of The Narcissist | by Carrie Wynn | We Are Warriors | Medium

Love-bombing / Honeymoon stage

Spotting Narcissistic Love Bombing: What It Is — and Isn’t

Being showered with affection might sound like a dream come true — until you realize it may be love bombing, a common tactic used by people with narcissism.

It’s natural to want your partner to demonstrate their affection. Small reminders that you’re appreciated and cared for can brighten the darkest days.

Displays of love can help you feel secure in your relationship and can stave off less desirable feelings, like resentment, mistrust, and self-doubt.

But when affection seems persistent and overwhelming in the beginning of a relationship — to the point that it makes you feel intuitively uneasy — it may not just be a display of emotion. You might be experiencing love bombing.

Too good to be true: ‘love bombing’ meaning

Love bombing isn’t a diagnostic term, though it is used by mental health professionals to describe a form of emotional abuse.

When someone love bombs you, they often shower you with excessive or overwhelming levels of affection and adoration.

While that might not necessarily sound like a negative thing, the goal behind love bombing isn’t always so innocent.

“Some common traits of love bombing include providing excessive amounts of attention, admiration, and affection,” explains Alexander Burgemeester, a clinical psychologist and author from Amsterdam, the Netherlands. “The aim of this is to make the recipient feel dependent on and obligated to the individual.”

Love bombing and control

Love bombing can be a way of establishing control over another person.

It can make you feel guilty or ungrateful if you’re at odds with your partner. You might go against your initial instincts, for example, because you feel you owe it to them to do what they want.

What love bombing isn’t

Not all great displays of love are love bombing.

Love bombing is often constant, intense, and may even make you feel uncomfortable.

Typically, it’s not the occasional romantic surprise from your partner. However, if the goal is to manipulate you, you may still be experiencing love bombing.

Why do people love bomb?

Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. Like all forms of abuse, it’s about establishing control and power over someone else.

“It happens as part of what is called ‘the cycle of abuse,’ where the love bomber attempts to develop a false sense of connection and trust early into a relationship in an effort to later control or emotionally abuse,” says Emily Simonian, LMFT, head of learning at Thriveworks in Washington, D.C.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and love bombing

While anyone can display love bombing tendencies, this type of emotional tactic is often associated with narcissism, particularly narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

According to Simonian, it’s important to differentiate between narcissistic personality traits and NPD when it comes to love bombing.

“Many people can have one or maybe even a few narcissistic traits, like a constant need for praise or admiration, having a sense of entitlement, or a large sense of self-importance, but that doesn’t mean they are a narcissist,” she explains.

It’s when narcissistic traits merge with long-term patterns of relationship behaviors, like exploitation and manipulation, that narcissistic personality disorder becomes a factor.

“This is where love bombing potentially comes in, as those who engage in love bombing do so to create a false sense of intimacy for personal gain, which is consistent with narcissism,” Simonian says.

NPD is a diagnosable mental health condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), meaning it causes significant impairment in areas of basic functioning.

How long does love bombing last?

According to Bergemeester, once your partner establishes control through narcissist love bombing, they’ll shift into a more manipulative role, often one that focuses on devaluing you. How long it takes for them to feel they’ve secured your loyalty in the relationship first can vary.

Love bombing typically takes place during a courtship phase that can last days or weeks. It may even last for months if you seem more resistant.

Ultimately, there’s no set timeline for love bombing. It can continue until your partner feels they’ve established the necessary level of control.

“Love bombing is typically an unconscious behavior,” says Bergemeester, “and the process is mostly about securing a relationship with another person. When this has been achieved, a narcissist will usually switch, turning into a manipulative and controlling partner instead.”

The love bombing cycle

Narcissist love bombing can vary between partners and situations. Everyone is unique, and love bombing can mean something different from one relationship to the next.

In general, love bombing often follows what’s known as the narcissistic cycle of abuse, which tends to involve:

• idealizing

• devaluing

• discarding

• “hoovering,” or renewed love bombing

When it comes to love bombing, Bergemeester indicates these stages typically blend together, progressing until you make the decision to leave. Then, the narcissist love bombing might begin again in an attempt to get you to stay.

Idealization

“Love bombing often involves compliments, gifts, and lots of attention in the beginning stages. The person will want to be in contact with you all the time, which may seem flattering, but this is often not the case,” he says.

As the behavior evolves, Bergemeester explains that the partner who is love bombing may push for you to make early commitments, while at the same time becoming upset if you try to establish boundaries.

Devaluing

Once they feel the relationship is secure, they may gradually shift away from affection completely, becoming manipulative and critical instead.

“They would start to devalue the other person, making them feel as though they would not be wanted by anyone else,” he says.

Discarding

In some narcissistic relationships, the partner with narcissistic traits might abruptly move on from the relationship. They may suddenly break up with you or even seem to replace you by immediately dating someone new.

This is often known as the discarding phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

Hoovering

If you reach a point where you’re ready to leave the relationship, your partner may renew the love bombing, insisting that they’ve “changed their ways” or are “making a sincere effort.”

This phase is often referred to as “hoovering” — a term inspired by the vacuum cleaner — because your partner may be trying to “suck you back in” using love bombing tactics again.

While this can often feel genuine, in narcissist love bombing, it’s often the start of a new cycle of abuse.

Spotting red flags: signs of love bombing

Here are some common red flags that may indicate love bombing:

• They buy over-the-top gifts gifts for you or spend excessively on you.

• They bombard you with compliments.

• They communicate with you relentlessly.

• They push for commitment early in the relationship.

• They make “soulmate” references or declarations about fate and destiny.

• The relationship feel unnervingly intense.

• They dislike it when you set boundaries.

• You feel uneasy about their level of affection or communication.

How to avoid manipulation tactics

“Pay attention to your sense of balance or feelings of overwhelm within the relationship, and pay attention to your partner’s reactions when you displease them,” cautions Simonian.

She explains that it’s natural for new partners to be enthusiastic in a relationship, but they should still be respectful of your boundaries and feedback.

How someone reacts to your input can often tell you whether their intent is innocent or manipulative, she says.

Let’s recap

When you care about someone, it can mean a lot to that person for you to show your feelings.

Demonstrations of love that come with strings attached, however, may be more characteristic of love bombing.

Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. While anyone can display love bombing tendencies, it’s a behavior often seen from people living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Being aware of narcissistic love bombing — and trusting your instincts when a relationship feels too intense — can help you avoid the cycle of abuse that can come in this type of partnership.

If you think you might be experiencing love bombing tactics, talking with a therapist can be helpful. To take the first step, check out Psych Central’s guide to finding mental health support.

Link:

What Is Love Bombing and Why Do Narcissists Do It? | Psych Central

Mirroring

What is Narcissistic Mirroring? The Dark Mirror of Narcissism

February 1, 2021 by Alexander Burgemeester

Last Updated on July 4, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

Have you ever been the “new person” in a group who know each other well?

You might have felt, at first, like you were a little out of the loop. They seem to be on the same wavelength. They have the same humour styles. They might even speak in similar tones of voice, or use the same mannerisms.

This is an example or normal, healthy mirroring. It’s not that a group of very similar people just happened to find each other. It’s that, after spending a lot of time with people, we adapt our behaviour in little ways, to match the other people in the group. When people like each other, they become like each other. 

It’s a natural human behavior that helps us say “I’m in your group, and you’re in mine.” In fact, some psychologists have argued that when children don’t get this healthy mirroring from their parents, it can be a trigger to developing pathological narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder) in the first place.

But when does Narcissistic mirroring become a weapon for the Narcissist? When does normal mirroring change into the Dark Mirror?

Why is The Narcissist Mirroring You?

The normal mirroring we’ve just discussed happens slowly and gradually over time. In narcissistic mirroring, the narcissist takes this process and accelerates it.

They use the words you use, claim to like the things you like, and copy your mannerisms – even if they just met you 5 seconds ago.

Reading Suggestions:

·         15 Narcissist Hoovering Examples

·         How to Respond to the Narcissist Fake Apology?

·         What is Gaslighting in Narcissism?

The idea is to make you feel as if you’re in the company of someone you’ve known for years. It makes you feel seen, like someone really gets you. When everything you like and value is being validated by what seems to be a very confident, successful person, it’s easy to see why people fall for narcissists.

At the same time, narcissist mirroring isn’t about true closeness (narcissists, in general, tend to avoid true intimacy). It’s a trick to make you feel comfortable with them, to gain your trust – to get you to lower your guard.

The Dark Mirror

As I’ve just mentioned, people who mirror are generally people who’ve known each other for a long time – people who trust each other. By using mirroring early and aggressively, the narcissist engineers that trust more quickly. 

When you feel seen and understood, then naturally you start to open up. You reveal deep and personal things about yourself. Narcissists sometimes know just how to push people’s buttons – and this is one way they learn which buttons to push.

Eventually, narcissistic mirroring becomes a weapon. 

When they get to the phase of the relationship where the put-downs, abuse, and devaluation starts, the dark version of mirroring begins. Now the mirroring switches from a positive reflection of the things you desire and value, to a negative one.

Examples of Narcissistic Mirroring

So what does narcissistic mirroring look like in practice? Often it starts with simple things, building a sense of shared commonalities and interests.

You say you like jazz. “I love jazz! Jazz is amazing. That’s real music”
You say your favorite color is purple “My favorite color is purple too!”

If you say you love to go out and party to let your hair down, so do they, but if you’d said you like nothing more than snuggling up with a good book, well, surprise surprise, so do they.

You’re sat there thinking “Oh my god, I have so much in common with this person!”, but in reality, it’s a facade.

Narcissistic mirroring often involves non-verbal communication too. Whether you lean forward, back, or to the side, they mirror that. If you talk fast and loud, they talk fast and loud. If you talk with your hands, they will too – and it might be an exact, carbon-copy of the hand movement you just made. 

Mirroring can sometimes involve bigger, more outright lies. You went to Disneyland last year? They went to Disneyland last year! You used to work in finance? Guess what, they used to work in finance! Your family is from Ireland? No way, their family is Irish too!

And what about dark mirroring, what might that look like?

Well, say you revealed that you’re worried you’ll turn out like your mother, someone you didn’t get along with. They’ll store this information away for use another day. Then at the right moment, they’ll mirror that back.

“That thing you just said there, that sounds like something your mother would say.”

In this example, they might use this put-down whenever they need to feel better at your expense, or to help win an argument.

Or say you’ve revealed your insecurities about work, and don’t feel you do your job well. Later, you hear about a higher-level job opening, and you’re thinking of going for it.

“You’re thinking of applying for a promotion? That sounds crazy, that sounds like too much for you. Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

In this case, the idea of you getting a promotion makes them insecure (they are the successful ones, remember?), so they use your weak points to talk you out of it.

Dealing With Narcissistic Mirroring

Sam Vankin, who we met at the start of this article, recommends a strategy for dealing with narcissists – you mirroring narcissistic behavior.

Reading Suggestions:

·         Covert Narcissists and Money

·         Do Narcissists Have Friends?

·         What are some Common Narcissist Lies they use a lot?

In other words, you turn mirroring against them. If they shout, you shout. If they leave, you leave.
If they act suspicious that you’re cheating, you do the same to them. This advice crops up from place to place around the internet, so I thought I would address it here.

This approach may work in some situations and with some narcissists but in general, I would advise caution. Narcissists have been playing this game their whole lives, and you are new to it. It’s a bit like challenging a chess grandmaster to a game – they simply have more experience than you, and have a better idea of what to do in certain situations.

Also, when narcissists feel threatened, they often respond with rage, abuse, or other nasty tactics. So you’re potentially leading the way to more of the things you’re trying to avoid.

Instead, first take the steps that you should take when dealing with narcissists: 

·         Look after yourself: through self-help, healthy habits, or seeing a therapist to increase self-esteem and self love

·         Set boundaries: Establish clear rules for what you will and will not accept

·         Leave the narcissist: If their behavior goes beyond your boundaries, leave the narcissist

However, with mirroring, there is a further step you can take – be a better mirror to yourself. Don’t accept comments that mirror you, if they are not accurate. This applies to positive comments as well as negative ones. This means making a plan to build self-esteem and inner security – know who you are, and become comfortable with that. 

That way, if someone mirrors you, you can make a realistic assessment of these statements. Not only in terms of whether it’s true or not, but also, whether it really matters.

So, now that you’ve learned a little about Narcissistic Mirroring, I hope you’re better equipped to recognize and deal with them. And if you know anyone who lives or deals with a narcissist, feel free to share this article with them too!

Reading Suggestions:

·         When do Narcissists show their true colors?

·         How do Narcissists react under stress?

·         What is Narcissistic Projection?

Link:

What is Narcissistic Mirroring? The Dark Mirror of Narcissism (thenarcissisticlife.com)

Narcissistic Fleas

A common concern among victims and survivors of Narcissistic abuse is, “I’ve been with the Narcissist so long, I’m afraid I’ve become one myself.”

First, if you feel any inkling of guilt or remorse about your behaviors, you are not a Narcissist. Narcissists are not capable of self-reflection.  It is likely, however, that you’ve been bitten by their fleas.

When I left my Ex-N, I had a mild case of fleas myself.  Not in the sense that I could infect someone else, but that I knew him so well, I felt like I was inside of his mind.  Every step he made, I was three steps ahead of him.  I planned most of my activities around his possible reactions.  I learned to deal with him using his own modus operandi.

Although nothing he did ever surprised me, I was still caught off-guard from time-to-time.  In the end, I felt soiled and violated for behaving and thinking the way he did, so I stopped.

Narcissists can give you fleas? Where does that term come from, anyway?

Fleas comes from the adage “He that lieth down with dogs shall rise up with fleas”, which has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin.  According to Wikipedia, the quote has an almost universally agreed meaning of “You should be cautious of the company you keep. Associating with those of low reputation may not only lower your own but also lead you astray by the faulty assumptions, premises and data of the unscrupulous.”

The phrase’s true origin comes from 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good behavior.  BE CAREFUL OF THE COMPANY YOU KEEP! Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it!”

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes

When infected with fleas, a victim of Narcissistic abuse may adapt behaviors of their abuser as a defense mechanism or as a way to give them a taste of their own medicine.  However, it was my experience that acting like a Narcissist with the Narcissist didn’t have the same effect on my Ex that it had on me.  He was completely unaffected because the truth was, he was getting supply in the form of negative attention.

In a Narcissist’s mind, negative attention is better than no attention. In fact, they often find it more enjoyable, because if they can get you all worked up, it means you have deep emotions invested in them and the relationship.

As for me, acting in that way usually led to regret, shame and a need to apologize to my abuser.  Of course, he seized upon these incidents as justification for his own abusive behavior and/or as a way to take the spotlight off of himself and shine it on me.

Symptoms of Fleas

• You’re normally submissive, but occasionally snap and become aggressive with your abuser, perhaps even hitting them.

• You typically keep your cool, but sometimes resort to name-calling and shouting, often feeling that it’s out of your control.

• You normally approach your disagreements in a calm manner, but later engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, such as destroying your abuser’s belongings when they are not around.

The truth is, when we have caught fleas from our Narcissist, whether a lover, parent, or spouse, we are actually performing maladaptive coping strategies.  Psychlinks.ca has an excellent post referencing seven maladaptive coping behaviors.  The post is an excerpt from a chapter of Mind and Emotions: A Universal Treatment for Emotional Disorders (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook). 

While I applaud anyone who wants to overcome their own maladaptive behaviors, it’s important to remember that changing yourself will NOT change the Narcissist, nor have a positive effect on the relationship.

Additionally, when you’ve gotten to the point where you are engaging in these unhealthy behaviors, it’s likely you have developed an anxiety disorder.  While these maladaptive coping strategies are highly effective in reducing symptoms in the short-term, they result in increased dysfunction by maintaining and strengthening the Narcissist’s own behaviors.

In closing, if you are concerned about the way you’ve acted, it’s likely you just have fleas.  However, you’d be wise to analyze the situation, give yourself a good flea bath, and plan an exit strategy.

Image credits:  P.T. Flea | Pixar Wiki | Fandom powered by Wikia

Link:

The Shocking Truth: Narcissists Can Give You Fleas - Kim Saeed

Narcissistic Injury

Narcissistic Injuries: What They Are and More

·         Overview

·         What it looks like

·         Causes

·         Examples

·         Tips

You may have a person in your life who sometimes responds with rage that seems out of proportion to situations. Their emotion could be a reaction to a narcissistic injury.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition in which a person might crave admiration, have an inflated sense of superiority, and lack empathy.

What isn’t obvious is the reason behind these narcissistic personality symptoms. In some instances, a person with NPD might use these strategies to cover up feelings of vulnerability and low self-worth.

For others, they might appear shy or withdrawn, while internally, they’re boasting about their importance.

These behaviors can make it hard to get along with someone living with NPD. In some cases, they can be sensitive and easily wounded by what they perceive to be psychological threats.

What are narcissistic injuries?

If you know someone living with narcissistic personality disorder, you may have felt hurt by something they’ve done or said. But “narcissistic injury” isn’t referring to what you’ve experienced.

Instead, a narcissistic injury, aka “narcissistic wound,” is what some people with NPD might feel when they encounter criticism, loss, or perceived abandonment.

Even though they may not show it, they may experience humiliation and rejection. It’s their feelings in these situations that may be considered narcissistic injuries.

Rather than express vulnerability and reveal how they feel, they may react with defiance, arguments, and even a narcissistic rage attack.

What narcissistic injuries look like to others

Wounded narcissistic responses often don’t match the situation. They can be direct attacks through verbal or physical aggression or less confrontational reactions such as walking away during a conversation.

Any situation where you’re the recipient of blame or negativity could be an indication of a narcissistic injury such as:

• explosive arguments

• gaslighting

• silent treatment

• manipulation

• false accusations

• insults

• threats

• physical violence

It’s important to note that there are different types of narcissistic personality, and not everyone with a narcissistic personality will experience narcissistic injury.

What causes them?

Not much is known about why someone develops NPD. Some experts believe these traits might be in response to specific situations experienced early in life, such as:

• abuse or neglect during childhood

• unrealistic parental expectations

• excessive pampering and praise from parents

• narcissistic parent or parents

Not everyone with these experiences will develop NPD, though. Genetics, such as a family history of personality disorders, might contribute to this condition.

A 2014 studyTrusted Source found that some traits of NPD — such as entitlement and grandiosity — could be passed on through genetics.

Brain differences are also involved. People with NPD had less gray matter volume in the left anterior insula, according to a 2013 study. This is the part of the brain responsible for emotional empathy.

ResearchTrusted Source suggests that parenting practices might also contribute to NPD. If parents place too much emphasis on achievement, children might learn that love is conditional. This could make them vulnerable to narcissistic injuries.

What are some examples?

Narcissistic injuries are situations that trigger feelings of incompetence or unworthiness. These can include:

• not winning in a competition

• encountering disagreement in a conversation

• an imperfection in something

• having someone not live up to their standards or expectations

• public embarrassment

• being overlooked for a promotion at work

• receiving correction or constructive criticism

While anyone can experience an emotional reaction from an intense situation, even mild events can cause narcissistic injuries for someone with NPD.

For example, if you offer correct information to someone who’s made an error, they may express thanks. In the same scenario, someone with NPD might experience a narcissistic injury from your correction and respond to you with gaslighting or an insult.

Tips to avoid them or protect yourself

It’s essential to remember narcissistic injuries aren’t your fault. This is true even if a reaction is in response to something you’ve said or done.

But there are steps you can take to try to diffuse a situation and avoid conflict.

Change your mindset

Narcissistic injury and rage are an expression of a perceived slight against self-image. For example, a narcissistic injury might occur when you unintentionally criticize the person with NPD because they didn’t respond to a situation in a way you think they should have.

Reframing your thinking could help you separate yourself from this behavior, which might help you avoid getting drawn into an argument.

Learn de-escalation strategies

If you find yourself in a situation with someone experiencing a narcissistic injury, you can try to make the situation less volatile.

Consider the following strategies:

• Empathize and validate how they feel: Focus on something you agree with. It’s less important who’s right and more important not to fight. Rather than listening to correct, try listening to agree.

• Stay calm: If you keep in mind that a narcissistic injury is the response to a perceived threat, it’s easy to see why staying calm can help. If you allow yourself to get caught up in emotion, your agitated behavior might increase the threat level, which intensifies the narcissistic injury.

• Respect their personal space: Entering the personal space of someone experiencing a narcissistic injury may feel overwhelming to them. Instead, you can help them by moving back and giving them space.

• Speak less and listen more: If you’re faced with someone in the emotional grasp of a narcissistic injury, they may not be able to pay attention to what you’re saying. The most effective strategy might be to listen rather than speak. If you need to talk, try to keep it simple and short.

Create physical distance

Your safety is more important than managing a situation or protecting personal property. If narcissistic rage is creating a dangerous situation, the best course of action might be to remove yourself. If you feel in immediate danger, leave and seek help.

Practice self-calming techniques

A deep-breathing exercise or mindfulness technique, such as meditation, are effective self-calming strategies that can help you manage your emotions in tense situations.

Know when it’s time to leave

Relationships are complex, and you may have many compelling reasons to stay connected. But if your safety is regularly at risk and your stress level is often elevated, it might be time to consider leaving the relationship.

Next steps 

If someone has narcissistic personality disorder, their reactions might seem extreme and out of proportion to you. But because many people with NPD aren’t aware of their symptoms, they might not realize they’re responding this way or why.

Remembering their behavior is because of a mental health condition and not something you’ve done can help put the situation into perspective.

If you’re not sure how to respond, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can help you understand how to support someone with NPD. You can check out our find a therapist tool to get started.

Link:

What Is a Narcissistic Injury? I Psych Central

Narcissistic Rage

What Is Narcissistic Rage?

By 

Arlin Cuncic 

Updated on November 13, 2021

Medically reviewed by 

Steven Gans, MD

Narcissistic rage is a term that was first coined by author Heinz Kohut in 1972 to refer to the tendency for people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to fly into a rage with what might seem like the slightest provocation or no obvious provocation at all.

People with NPD require that others give them consistent admiration and positive feedback; when this doesn't happen, it can elicit underlying feelings of shame that trigger an instant angry response and lashing out without care for how it impacts the recipient.

It is the narcissist’s thin skin and sensitivity that leads to this rage because of a deep-seated fear of being "found out" for not being the person they portray themselves to be.

Signs

Are you wondering if someone you know might be exhibiting signs of narcissistic rage? Or are you somewhat aware that you may have this tendency yourself? If you’re not sure, take a look at this list of the signs and symptoms of narcissistic rage. While it might feel as though the attack is calculated, most often, narcissistic rage is reactive in nature.

An episode of narcissistic rage derives from a threat to a person's sense of self and is characterized by intense anger.1 In a relationship, for example, this could manifest in physical or verbal abuse, manipulation, or passive-aggressive behavior.2

Narcissistic rage is different from other forms of anger in that narcissistic rage is disproportionate to the perceived slight; it’s as though the person has a hair-trigger response. It’s completely out of proportion to what provoked it and often takes the other person by surprise.

Narcissistic rage can be active or passive with corresponding outward or inward signs of the problem. Below are the signs and symptoms to watch out for.

Outward Signs

• Bouts of rage when not given the attention they feel deserve

• Screaming and yelling

• Angry or explosive outbursts

• Intense anger

• Sudden fits of anger

• Becoming verbally or physically aggressive

• Inability to control the rage

• Intentionally trying to inflict pain (emotional or physical) on others

Inward Signs

• Passive aggression

• Giving the "silent treatment"

• Withdrawing or being aloof

• Avoiding someone

• Hidden resentment

• Neglecting to do things

• Using sarcasm to cut people down

• Righteous indignation

• A sense of entitlement

• Becoming hostile or bitter

• Cutting people off as a means to protect their self-esteem

• Dissociation or feeling disconnected from reality

Causes

If you suspect someone you know has problems with narcissistic rage or that you may have this problem yourself, you might also be curious as to the cause. While we don’t know precisely what causes narcissistic personality disorder, which is often an underlying factor in narcissistic rage, it’s likely that a combination of genetics, upbringing, and life experiences plays a role.3

If you’re confused about whether someone you know might have NPD, it’s helpful to learn more about this disorder. NPD tends to disrupt all areas of a person’s life and can be overt (obvious), covert (hidden), or even high-functioning (the person is successful in life despite the disorder, such as a high-powered business person who is known for flying into fits of rage).4

The criteria for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder require a pervasive and long-term pattern of certain personality traits, including:

• Grandiosity

• Need for power and control

• Lacking empathy

• A sense of entitlement

• Being envious of others

• Arrogance

• Need for attention

People may struggle with these types of narcissistic vulnerabilities without meeting the full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

In addition, there are a number of specific factors or causes that can be identified when it comes to NPD and narcissistic rage in particular. We know that narcissistic rage happens when a person experiences "narcissistic injury," which equates to the sense of self being threatened.5

Below are some other factors to consider:

• Early childhood trauma such as abuse or neglect and invalidation of the person's emotions, can cause them to bury their true self and hide internal injuries behind a false or alternate persona built on lies.

• A highly sensitive temperament that is very reactive to feelings of shame can exacerbate rage responses.

• Failure to develop critical emotion regulation skills can result in a childlike way of reacting to situations.

• An unstable sense of self-esteem that makes them feel as though they are at risk of being "found out" can result in rage when triggered.

• Facing a setback or disappointment that triggers shame and shatters one’s self-image, can then triggers anger.

• Being envious of someone else having something that they don’t have (i.e., material things, relationships, status). may prompt a rage response.

• Memories of early experiences of shame can be triggered by current events leading to intense anger.

• "Splitting" (also known as black-or-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) or viewing other people as good or bad (i.e., narcissists shift between idealizing someone and then degrading them; seeing someone as all good and then all bad) can explain the sudden nature of rage responses.

• Having a sense of self that is split into two parts (true self and false self) can complicate a person's ability to manage emotional responses.

• A fragmented sense of self that requires the adoration of other people (narcissistic supply) creates a fragile situation in which their entire sense of self is based on what other people think of them rather than a true internal self.

Types

As mentioned above, there are two different types of narcissistic rage: outward or explosive and inward or passive.

• Explosive rage: The person hurls insults, screams and yells, and may even threaten other people or to harm themselves.

• Passive rage: The person retreats into a period of sulking and refusing to engage with you.

A narcissist can engage in both types of narcissistic rage rather than being solely outward or inward in their actions and behaviors.

Stages

Unlike typical anger, narcissistic rage does not go through a series of stages. For example, psychiatrist Adam Blatner identified the following seven stages or levels of typical anger:6

1. Stress: Feelings of anger under the surface that are not consciously acknowledged or acted upon

2. Anxiety: Anger starting to leak through with subtle signs

3. Agitation: Outward signs of being displeased without any blame assigned

4. Irritation: Showing more displeasure to get others to respond and change

5. Frustration: Showing anger with an angry face or using harsh words

6. Anger: Increasing how loudly you speak and being more expressive

7. Rage: Losing one’s temper and flying into fits of aggression

In contrast, in the case of narcissistic rage, there is no progression through a series of steps. Rather, their rage is child-like in nature and goes straight from the feeling of stress to a full-blown outward or inward expression of rage.

Examples

Still not sure if what you are experiencing is narcissistic rage? Below are some examples.

Not Getting Their Way

Your boss might make an unreasonable request such as asking you to work long hours over the weekend on a project at the last minute. If you refuse this unreasonable requisition, they may lash out with narcissistic rage.

Not Getting Enough Attention

A friend might always direct the conversation back to talking about themselves, even in the case when someone has shared something important and listening would be more appropriate. They might even become jealous and sulk or lash out if everyone is giving attention to someone else’s problem and ignoring them.

Feel Like They Are Losing Control of People/Situation

Someone might lash out at you if they feel as though they have lost control of you or the situation. 

Reacting to Criticism

Narcissistic rage can result from even the most gentle of criticism because of the unstable sense of self-esteem. 

Getting Caught Doing Something

If you point out that someone is lying or cheating and they react by turning the tables and making you feel as though you are in the wrong or mistaken, that could be a sign of narcissistic rage. 

Outcomes

What are the outcomes of narcissistic rage and why is it such a problem? The truth is that narcissistic rage has negative effects for the person who has the problem as well as everyone else who is subjected to the rage.

Below are some of the possible negative outcomes of narcissistic rage:

• Rifts in families

• Breakups of relationships

• Other people not wanting to be around you

• Having success but at the cost of friendships

• Financial difficulties

• Problems sustaining employment or attending school

• Problems with the law

• Physical harm (e.g., to others with outward violence and to the self with self-harm such as cutting, burning, or headbanging)

• Feelings of guilt, loss, and being worthless

• Inability to adapt to change

• Depression and anxiety

• Problems with physical health

• Substance use and addiction

• Suicidal thoughts or behaviors

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

Coping

If you are the person who has a problem controlling narcissistic rage, you may or may not be aware of what is happening internally. Hopefully, if you’ve read this far, you have a better sense and are interested in ways to interact with the world in a healthier and more fulfilling way.

While narcissistic rage might feel good in the moment, as it helps relieve feelings of fear and shame, in the long term, it only serves to drive good people away from you, interfere with your success, and leave you fragile and at-risk.

While treatment of narcissistic conditions can be challenging, here are some things to try if you want to get a handle on your narcissistic rage.

Therapy

See a therapist to better understand your behavior, reduce the inner turmoil that you experience, address underlying causes, and prepare better coping strategies to deal with future situations. A therapist could help you with some or all of the following:

• Become willing to go through a process of understanding yourself and moving toward your true self through therapy

• Decide that the costs of staying the same are greater than the costs of making a change

• Develop a more resilient sense of self and feeling good with who you are regardless of external sources of validation

• Dealing with past traumatic memories or experiences of shame that are triggered when your narcissistic rage becomes a problem

• Support you as you deal with life without using your old strategies of self-inflation and manipulation

• Understanding that your rage is driven by fear of rejection and that this is actually a vicious cycle that creates actual rejection

• Developing your own sense of individuality, being a whole person, and feeling empowered

• Learning how to have healthy relationships, both with yourself and with other people

• Working through the pain of confronting your feelings of inadequacy and fragile self-image

Dealing With Someone Else’s Narcissistic Rage

Are you actually the person on the receiving end of someone else’s narcissistic rage, and you’d like to know how to better handle the situation? If so, below are some tips for dealing with bouts of narcissistic rage, whether it’s from a family member, partner, friend, co-worker, or stranger.

General Advice

The following includes good general advice for navigating another person's narcissistic rage:

• Become familiar with narcissistic personality disorder so that you can recognize triggers and outcomes.

• Seek therapy for yourself when warranted based on past events.

• Avoid giving direct criticism or feedback that may trigger a narcissistic reaction.

• Don’t escalate conflicts that could lead to personal harm.

• Don't take things personally or seek out revenge.

• Avoid sharing too much personal information that could be used against you.

• If you feel as though the person is a threat to themselves or anyone else (including you), call 911 or the emergency number in your area.

• Recognize that you are not to blame and are not responsible for their moods or behaviors.

• Recognize that they are not behaving or acting in a rational manner, their judgment is impaired, and they are not thinking straight.

• Don’t try to use logic or get into a debate with the person or try to argue that they are overreacting.

• Don't apologize or accept their behavior, which may just lead to more abuse.

• Don't become angry yourself; try to stay calm, cool, and collected.

• If you are given the silent treatment, do your best to ignore it.

• If their anger becomes explosive, leave the situation to protect your own safety.

• Validate their feelings without going along with bad behavior; for example, say "you are entitled to feel that way."

• Set personal boundaries to be clear about what is acceptable behavior for you.

• Find support for yourself such as a support group or person you can confide in.

• If you feel like you might be being gaslighted, find an outside perspective.

• Protect your self-esteem and self-worth from being affected by the narcissist.

• Recognize your qualities that may make you a target for narcissists (e.g., being overly agreeable and accepting).

• Rage will tend to show up when the narcissist is stressed by circumstances, so it’s best to avoid them during these times as a form of self-protection.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

Stranger

If the narcissistic rage you experience is from a person you don't know:

• Walk away from them and do not engage further.

• Recognize that the interaction is not your fault, and you are not obligated to stay and argue.

Co-Worker

If you're subjected to narcissistic rage from a co-worker:

• Verify things that they tell you to make sure you are getting the full story.

• If your work is being affected, speak to your manager or the Human Resources (HR) director to share what has happened.

• Report any instances of harassment at the workplace immediately.

• Keep records of your interaction with the person so that you can argue your case.

• Avoid being alone with the person.

Spouse, Partner, or Family Member

If it is your spouse, partner, or another family member who is the perpetrator of narcissistic rage:

• Attend couples therapy when warranted to work on communication skills.

• Set personal boundaries as to what behavior is acceptable to you in your relationship.

• Put space between you and family members who engage in narcissistic rage; give them time to cool off before re-engaging.

• Attend family therapy to get at the root causes of issues and help your loved one understand themselves better.

• End the relationship if you feel physically, mentally, or emotionally threatened.

 What Is a Marriage and Family Therapist?

A Word From Verywell

If you know a narcissist or feel you may be one yourself and are having a problem with narcissistic rage, the best options are usually self-reflection and awareness, understanding the problem, recognizing triggering situations, and developing coping skills. It’s only when the person who has a problem with narcissistic rage wants to change that change will happen.

Often, change will only come when there has been a breaking point of some sort, such as the development of another mental health issue. However, you don’t have to wait to hit a breaking point before taking steps toward meaningful change.

Whatever your circumstances, reach out for help. Whether you are the perpetrator or victim of narcissistic rage, getting help will benefit those around you as well as your own life circumstances.

Link:

Narcissistic Rage: What Is It? (verywellmind.com)

Narcissistic Supply

What Is Narcissistic Supply?

Published: October 13, 2021 Updated: July 15, 2022

Narcissistic supply refers to the constant supply of attention and admiration needed by narcissists. To gain this attention, narcissists will often use a “false self” that is likeable to attract people to them. However, because narcissists are unable to make healthy connections, they tend to target people who are more vulnerable in order to feed their supply.

What Is Narcissistic Supply?

Attention-seeking behavior—positive or negative—is referred to as narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction where the narcissist requires, and even demands, limitless special treatment, admiration, importance, or validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Narcissistic supply is how narcissists cope with the world, making it a place for them to thrive.

Wanting attention, accolades, and validation are not narcissistic in nature. We all need to feel heard and have a sense of belonging, but narcissists crave this attention constantly. They will deliberately find or create situations in which they are regularly at the center of attention, often as a way to stave off their underlying depression. Narcissists are never satisfied—no matter how much attention they receive, it will never be enough.

Narcissists seek individuals that are easily lured in by their charm and naive to their manipulation and exploitation. Once the supply is received, the narcissist will soon become low or empty, always needing more. Feeding narcissistic supply is like trying to fill a bottomless pit—and when they don’t get it, they may react with narcissistic rage.

Types of Narcissistic Supply

There are two main types of narcissistic supply that fuels the individual with narcissistic personality disorder: primary narcissistic supply and secondary narcissistic supply.

Primary Narcissistic Supply

The primary narcissistic supply is based on attention. This attention can be in either public or private forms. Public attention might include needing to feel like a well-respected, beloved, or famed person in the community or world at large. Private attention happens at home, away from public eyes.

Examples of narcissistic supply from a primary source include:

• Being publicly awarded for an accomplishment

• Achieving a level of fame for an achievement

• Achieving a level of infamy for behaving in a problematic way

• Being seen as a powerful or important member of the community, even if there is no real evidence of this

• Receiving the desired level of love and respect at home

• Having family members fawn over them and meet their wants and needs

• Being feared in the home, as the narcissistic may see this as an accomplishment

Secondary Narcissistic Supply

The primary supply is made up of public and private levels of attention, while the secondary supply is based on attaining a typical and comfortable life with a family. These outward “successes” fit into the narcissistic view of normalcy. Without them, the narcissist cannot be successful.

Examples of secondary supply may include:

• Having a respectable job that pays well

• Having a luxury car and a pricey home

• Fitting in socially in the community

• Having a relationship that appears happy

• Having a child or children that can accomplish goals that seem valuable

• Belonging to a group or organization

Narcissist Abuse Support Groups

Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Circles offers groups focused on specific relationships, like narcissistic parents or narcissistic romantic relationships. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Your group can connect via chat anytime using the Circles app. Join a Circles group for just $20 per week. Learn More

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health & wellness companies and is compensated for referrals by the company mentioned above.

Why Do Narcissists Need Supply?

Narcissists seek out an endless supply of validation, attention, and praise to compensate for low self esteem, confidence, and a perceived lack of acceptance that’s often a result of early childhood trauma and attachment issues.

Typically, the narcissist was not properly loved as a child. They use people as objects to obtain what was lacking in their childhood, feeding their supply. During childhood, their caregivers often ignored their emotional needs, never catering to their inner child. Their caregivers emotionally abandoned them, causing psychological damage that extends into adulthood. As a result, the narcissist uses other people and things to provide for their emotional needs, known as narcissistic supply.

The primary function of narcissistic supply is to foster the ego, self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem. It also serves to define the boundaries in the relationship so the “False Self” remains intact. The False Self is developed to protect them from the world that is viewed as a hostile, unstable, unrewarding, unjust, and unpredictable place.1 This defense mechanism helps the narcissist feel a sense of security for a short period of time, but when the facade is broken, the narcissist collapses.

7 Methods That Narcissists Use to Gain Supply

There are many tactics that narcissists use in order to get their narcissistic supply. They may pretend to be an expert on something, emotionally manipulate others, or violate boundaries.

Here are seven examples of how narcissists get their supply:2

1. The Self-Proclaimed Expert

The narcissist may claim to be an expert or authority on any given subject. They frequently hog the conversation and will interrupt you as if you are not saying a word. They constantly marginalize, criticize, and invalidate others’ points of view in order to boost their own status as an expert.

2. The Dominant Controller, Judge, or Savior

Narcissists position themselves in personal or professional relationships to control through dominating, minimizing, and devaluing their target. This may even look like rescuing others to put the narcissists in a position as the “good Samaritan” or “dependable savior.” The narcissist thrives on the feelings of fully controlling and conquering others.

3. The Merit Badge Collector or Pedestal Seeker

Some narcissists intentionally seek careers or positions where they can be regularly admired or respected. Generally, these positions are not sought out for the greater good but to simply feel superior, important, and special.

4. The Boundary Violator or Exploiter

Many narcissists do not relate to others—they use them. They use their charm, power of persuasion, or manipulation to force people to give into unreasonable, one-sided demands or to surrender their boundaries. The narcissist views this as winning and just another way to feed their ego.

5. The Grandiose Showboater or Peacock

In hopes of receiving praise, recognition, or favorable attention, grandiose narcissists will brag about important or famous people they know, show off, or boast about their status. They want people to envy them in order to feel better about themselves.

6. The Habitually Difficult or Negative

Even when it is unreasonable and unnecessary, some narcissists are deliberately and persistently difficult, uncooperative, or confrontational. There is a perceived power that comes from being disliked. This pattern of behavior confirms the narcissist’s inner self-loathing—that they do not deserve love, acceptance, or to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

7. The Living-Through-Others Faker or Wannabe

Some narcissists live through others in hopes of boosting their own low self-esteem or vicariously fulfilling their own unrealized fantasies and delusions. They bask in the reflected glory of those whom they take advantage of and exploit.

Are You a Source of Narcissistic Supply?

The closer you are to the narcissist, the more likely you are to be used as a source of supply. To some people, this can be mistaken as the narcissist having strong feelings for you. This is not true. Deep down, they view themselves as flawed and unlovable. So, if you love them, you are flawed and the target of their punishment. Their self-hatred and shame is now transferred onto you. They choose you because you are just more easily manipulated or more accommodating to their needs. It’s not a badge of honor.

Here are eight traits narcissists look for in someone to fill their need for supply:

1. You like companionship

2. You want a good public image

3. You like to speak well of others or lift others up

4. You don’t want to argue with them

5. You can be persuaded to violate your boundaries

6. You like to serve and be helpful

7. You’re willing to discuss your personal matters

8. You’re able to be motivated by duty or obligation

Narcissist Abuse Support Groups

Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Circles offers groups focused on specific relationships, like narcissistic parents or narcissistic romantic relationships. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Your group can connect via chat anytime using the Circles app. Join a Circles group for just $20 per week.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health & wellness companies and is compensated for referrals by the company mentioned above.

The Narcissistic Cycle of Supply & Abuse

The narcissistic abuse cycle  may present in unique ways in different relationships or at different stages. Often, though, the pattern will look like:

• Seeking the supply: Narcissists need someone to supply the attention and normalcy they seek, so they will always be on the hunt for someone to offer what they desire.

• Idealizing the source: When they can find someone to give a supply, they will present as a kind and friendly person to obtain as much of the supply as possible.

• Being frustrated with diminishing returns: Over time, the other person cannot possibly keep up with the needs and demands of the narcissist, so the person with narcissistic personality disorder becomes frustrated with the perception of lower supply.

• Devaluing the source: As the source can no longer keep up with demand, the narcissist will devalue their role and lessen their benefit.

• Abuse: This devaluation can directly result in verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. They are so frustrated that the person can no longer offer the wanted supply and feel completely abandoned by them.

• Shame: Unless there is a new supply waiting, the narcissist will realize that they cut off their supply with abuse and appear shameful and remorseful. At times, this response could be genuine, while for others it could only be an act.

• Repeat: If the supply person accepts the apology, the cycle restarts back at seeking the supply.

Narcissistic abuse can be very subtle. Oftentimes, the victim is unaware of what is happening to them. Are you being ignored in the relationship? Do you feel unimportant? Are the other person’s needs more important than your needs? Does the other person get upset or distance themselves when their needs are not met? If you answered yes to any of these questions; you may be the source of narcissistic supply.

Examples of Narcissistic Supply

The narcissist’s cravings are not limited to romantic relationships. You can experience a narcissist in your family, as a friend, in the workplace, and various social settings. No matter the case, the narcissist will use anyone to boost their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, even if it hurts the people closest to them.

• Supplying a narcissistic mother: Many narcissistic mothers rely on their children, especially their daughters, to supply the attention and adulation, they need. This interaction may do well in the early years, but as the child becomes a teen seeking independence, the relationship can be strained.

• Supplying a narcissistic father: Narcissistic fathers may need different types of attention and normalcy. They may be more interested in the public attention and seeing their children as ones to accomplish great feats they can take credit for.

• Supplying a narcissistic boss: At work, a narcissistic boss may need to think that they are always right, always smart, and always the only one who can solve a problem. This leaves little room for anyone else to succeed and do well.

• Supplying a narcissistic child: Teenagers may have a developmentally appropriate level of narcissism, but if the adult child has a diagnosable condition, being their parent will pose a challenge. They will demand the parent’s time, attention, and willingness to always act and appear a certain way.

How to Cut Off Supply From a Narcissist

When ending a relationship with a narcissist, you should understand that you won’t get the closure you’d like. Dealing with a narcissist is not easy, especially if you are a primary source. However, in order to protect your sanity, you must stop the abuse and cut off all supply if possible.

One way to do this is to go “No Contact.”3 No contact involves removing the narcissist completely from your life. This strategy is proven to work as long as you commit to it.

Sometimes, unfortunately, it is impossible to go completely no contact with a narcissist. Sometimes children are involved; maybe it’s your boss, co-worker, child, or parent. For incidents such as these, you can disarm the narcissist when they try to engage, or employ another strategy known as the “Grey Rock” Method. It involves only necessary contact and the removal of your emotions.3

Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Supply

The narcissist depends on a regular flow of narcissistic supply in order to sustain their superficial, egocentric self-image. Those in an interpersonal relationship with a narcissist are merely used as extensions of the narcissist’s self-serving needs. Yet, deep down, most narcissists feel insecure or  like the “ugly, thrown-away step child” even if they don’t want to admit it.

If you think you have been the victim of narcissistic supply, you are not alone. Talking about your experiences can help reduce the impact of any negative experiences. I suggest finding a licensed therapist who focuses on recovering from narcissistic abuse, or reaching out to someone you trust.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

Narcissist Abuse Support Groups – Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Groups bring together people based on their relationship with the narcissist, like those who have been involved in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Learn More

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com – The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started

Headspace (Meditation App) – Headspace is the leading mindfulness and meditation app with over 70 million members. Headspace offers guidance and exercises for all skill levels, including beginners. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles, BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Headspace

For Further Reading

• Mental Health America

• Movies About Narcissists

• Best Books on Narcissism

• National Alliance on Mental Illness

Narcissistic Supply Infographics